The Perils of Time Travel
by Lysis
Summary: Several fans of the movie, Alexander, somehow manage to go back in time to visit Alexander and Hephaistion, but discover much to their surprise that things are not quite the way as depicted in the film or in the history books.
1. Chapter 1

_THE PERILS OF TIME TRAVEL_

Author: Lysis

(An AU story/spoof by Lysis based on a story written in a galaxy long ago and far away…Okay, originally in 2006 by Elizabeth C. Owens - Copyright by her, too.)

**Story:** Several fans of the movie, _Alexander,_ somehow manage to go back in time to visit Alexander and Hephaistion, but discover much to their surprise that things are not quite the way as depicted in the film or in the history books. As narrated by Lexy, a member of this little group of fans who got suckered into going when she should have stayed safely at home.

A lot of modern slang and bad language and ancient Macedonians doing what they did which, of course, defies explanation, in some cases.

_**Main Characters****:**_

_**Modern Fans**:_

Lexy: A fan

Jordan: The biggest fan of Hephaistion in the world (besides Alexander)

Xena: The third member of the little group

Cassandra: Another fan

Olympiada: The fifth and final fan

_**Alexander & His Myrmidons:**_

Alexander – Ah, yeah, who else

Hephaistion - Alexander's…forget it, you should know all about him by now. If not, you're hopeless.

Philotas – Okay, enough said (a woman lover)

Ptolemy – Woman lover extraordinaire (among other things), _and…_

assorted other Macedonians, some women lovers, some not. They dot the landscape looking hot and delicious while they are probably playing with their swords or one another's swords, lances and whatever else they no doubt got their hands on from time to time when they weren't following their Golden Boy and killing, raping and pillaging cities, and screwing around with barbarian peoples of all sexes, etc.

**WARNING: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story. **

**Part 1**

Summary: The men are big and hot, (and so are their egos,) but the dogs are friendly. What else can I say, it's life in a Macedonian military camp, and boy, does it stink!

* * *

I sighed in relief as we made it past the guards at the main gate and tried to keep from swearing aloud as I followed Jordan's helmeted head. I was still a bit irritated. Ah, no make that a bit more than irritated. Try downright pissed off!

The sentry at the camp's perimeter, oh man, I so wanted to kick his ancient Macedonian ass! The smelly beast with a bushy black beard and beady grey eyes, had taken his own sweet time "searching" us. Maybe, a little too sweet in my opinion, if those big dirty hands of his had come any closer to my breasts they would have found themselves skewered on the point of my Swiss Army knife, the corkscrew extension. Good for whatever ails jerks like that! However, I stifled my irritation when I saw the way he was smiling broadly from ear to ear when he got his hands on Jordan. Obviously, he likes boys, or what might pass for a boy until a closer examination is done. The guard next to him, this one a fresh faced, clean shaved youth with a jagged red scar that ran the length down the side of his face had scowled at him, when Jordan started slapping at his hands and swearing at the bearded dude. He, the fresh faced dude grunted something in some sort of incomprehensible gibberish and soon Jordan and I were on our way.

"Hey, Jordan, betcha find yourself on guard duty tonight with the big dude. And I'll bet he's not into intercrual." I smiled nastily at her. She called me an assortment of rude names, stuck her tongue out at me, and strode several paces ahead while hissing under her breath. Oh, yeah, Hephaistion's gonna love, her. She's bad tempered as a polecat cornered in a sand pit and has the red hair to prove it.

"You shouldn't speak to me so openly. Women don't speak in this culture unless directly addressed by a man."

I snorted, "Oh, yeah, I forgot, better unseen, unheard, and busy making babies that will grow up and take over the world. Like that sweet little Macedonian boy, ah…what's his name now?"

I'm gonna have to kill Jordan, of course, for this entire idea. I'm just trying to figure out how and in what manner. This was, after all, her idea. If not for her enchantment with Alexander's eye candy, I'd be back in my room at the hotel in air conditioned bliss drinking something cold preferably brought to me by a handsome, dark eyed Greek youth. However, being so near Mieza Jordan just couldn't resist the idea of a field trip. All she's talked about ever since we set foot in Greece has been HEPHAISTION. Honestly, that guy's thighs have caused more problems for us than they probably ever did for Alexander!

Actually, right now though, I'm enjoying watching her attempt to walk in those stiff new high laced up sandals the Macedonian cavalry wore. She'd insisted on them. Don't ask me how she managed to get herself outfitted like a Macedonian warrior, but voila, here she is. Amazon extraordinaire! Alexander will adore her he always wanted to meet an Amazon, didn't he? The sandals do look cool. For a moment, I wish I had a pair on. Oh, well, you can't have everything. Or can you? Ummm, I wonder if anyone ever told Alexander that.

She kept tripping over her own feet. She is clearly the clumsiest Macedonian warrior I have so far seen. Then again, I haven't seen many, except for old Dirty Beard and his sidekick, who wasn't bad at all. I had decided to eschew the warrior's clothing for my own, and was sort of regretting it. Maybe it was just a bit too revealing?

I wasn't wearing jeans, oh, no, I knew enough not to appear in even the slightest manner Persian, but wasn't quite sure I was ready yet to look like a miniature member of Alexander' infantry. So, I decided on a sort of Xena, Warrior Princess thing – although I think I probably ended up looking more like Gabrielle in my two piece fringed cobalt blue faux suede sport's skirt and sport's bra. Hey, don't look at me like that! It's really hot here in the summer! Also, I'm smart I've got on _Nike's_, yep; I can run like the wind if I need to.

Perhaps I'll be mistaken for a goddess, Demeter of the Fields since my clothing is sort of embroidered with flowers and all. It's totally cool, I got it in Athens at this cute little shop, along with the travel vest that's got tons of pockets, talk about useful, man, this thing is fantastic. You wouldn't believe the stuff I've got jammed into those pockets.

Jordan I think is gonna be mistaken for a page, a really pretty one. She's getting a lot of smiles and shy glances from these guys. She does look pretty realistic in her chiton, corselet, and scarlet cloak. I would have, I have to admit liked to have worn a helmet, I love those. Her helmet shone like the sun leading the way for us, it's bronze, with a red horsehair mane and two prancing horses on either side of the cheek flaps. Jordan was intent on her quest, several times she stopped short, hardly breathing from excitement her face flushed and her entire being trembling,

"That's him, it's got to be, look, Lexy, he's, he's, oh, gods he sooooo gorgeous!" She'd gone on like this every time we'd pass any warrior and I do mean warrior, 'cause these dudes ain't anything like what I consider to be like our modern soldiers. There was something almost beastlike and godly about them. For a moment, I feel as though we've found ourselves in a pride of lions, male of course. They preen and shine as they go about their chores. Gods! How can someone look so good just walking a horse? They move in a manner which I've never seen modern day men move, except of maybe, top athletes, they are supremely confident and kinglike. Not one of them is under 6 feet. All of them! Of course, I slap myself on the head they are Macedonians.

I grab the back of her cloak, pulling her away from making a fool of herself as she's inching closer toward a tall, stately god, that's the only word I can think to use. I just know she's going to attack him, and then we'll be brought up before Alexander and killed because he'll figure we are Persian spies. Oh, I think I want to go home.

"Jordan, for heaven's sake come back here!" I run after her, but she's so intent on her "Hephaistion", for she is certain that this man is he, he must be he has the long flowing burnished locks, a mouth that one could worship at forever and those eyes when she is literally run over or down, I can't quite figure out which by a man. He's a filthy, a reeking mountain of horse shit, I can smell it even from ten feet away, his chiton is streaked with blood, his feet are bare and so dirty, the soles are black. His blond hair is matted and his face is so dirty I can't tell what color it is. Jordan is swearing up a storm, and rubbing her back. He doesn't even stop to help her up, just continues to run in the opposite direction screaming at the top of his lungs and gesturing like a mad man for someone whose name I can just make out is "Agathos."

"Man! That guy just ran right into you and didn't even stop to see if you were alright."

She narrows her eyes in his direction: "The little prick, he's probably a stable boy." Then suddenly her eyes light up, "Hey, maybe he's going to where Hephaistion or Alexander are?" She grabs me by the hand and were off, again, although I don' know where, and actually, I'm beginning to think that maybe I don't want to know, either. This place is wretched it stinks! I mean really stinks! Don't these men know about deodorant? They are pissing just about anywhere they please, and well, I won't even mention the rest. Don't they have a latrine somewhere?

We follow, or rather, Jordan leads the way at a heated pace, while I straggle behind. There's so much to see. I want to stop and look in every tent we pass. Hmm, for the most part, it looks like they sleep on a pile of blankets on the dirt. No thank you! Owww, what kind of food are they eating? Something does smell really good. Hmmm, I'm getting hungry. It's been hours since lunch.

Maybe, I could just… Oww, shish-ka-bobs! Hastily, while no one is looking I grab one up and pull off a piece of meat. It's…yuck! What the hell is that stuff?

I see a red furred dog running past, his tongue is hanging out as he runs. He looks kind of like he's smiling. He glances over at me. I smile and he woofs, loudly. At least the dogs are friendly.

"Here, doggy, doggy, nice doggy!" I call waving the meat in my hand. Ha, well, he's not having any problem with the meat. It's gone, wolfed down by my new friend. He's just so sweet, he had the biggest black eyes. He kind of reminds me of my friend's dog, Jojo. He's got a pretty fancy collar on, nice studded leather. Wonder whose…maybe this is Peritas?

I've lost sight of Jordan, the dog and I getting acquainted when I hear footsteps coming close. I glance up, well, actually, I don't need to do that, I can smell the guy; it's the dude that ran Jordan down. He stops a few feet from us and is snapping his fingers at the dog. The dog starts up, wagging his tail. I give him a pat and turn around looking for her, when I can tell he's behind me. I hear a scream in the distance and then loud, vicious swearing - Jordan. Then horseshit guy is talking to me, I face him, but can't understand a word he's saying. I shake my head at him, and start on my way. This beastly creature then grabs me, god! He's gotten blood and who knows what all on my clothes. Yuck! For a moment, I think I'm going to vomit. The smell is overwhelming, and man, is he strong. Ok, this isn't' fun anymore, I'm gonna find that little witch, and we're leaving, she can dream about Hephaistion, maybe she even saw him and didn't know it, but this isn't fun anymore and I'm leaving.

To be continued….


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

Picks up where Part I leaves off, we get to meet some of the gang: guess who?

**WARNING: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story. **

* * *

Okay, I'm really getting irritated now, horseshit man, that 's my name for him, is pushing me along rather gingerly, I might add, almost as though he's afraid I might have some plague and he'll catch it. This is clearly a Macedonian camp, and well, women don't seem all that popular. Oh, there does seem to be an exception, I see some stoking fires, cooking food, tending children, washing clothes, yes, that sort of exception.

Hmm, perhaps Horseshit man is afraid I'll turn him from a boy lover (or worse, he'll have to tend for himself) if I look at him the wrong way. We head for a row of tents, while I walk, well, I'm sort of trying to run but he keeps pulling me back. Man, this guy must bench press 500 lbs a day, his arms are like the Terminator's. I keep a keen eye out for Jordan and the third member of our little group, Xena. I've seen neither hide nor hair of her since we found our way out the cave. Damn, that spell! Really, it was in good clean fun, I never thought it would work! That's what happens when you buy _Wiccan Spells for Dummies_! You end up in ancient wherever!

It seemed ... ah, well, I'm not quite sure how to express it, several centuries ago… we were just out minding our own business, doing the typical tourist thing. Anyway, there we were wandering the solitude of Mieza in the warm fall twilight, and we sort of had this brilliant idea to go into the cave where Alexander and his little group of merry men took their lessons when they were teenagers. Do you think they were ever teenagers the way we are teenagers, today? I've wondered about this a lot.

We'd been invited to a party, a couple of patrons at the hotel we were staying at were throwing later in the evening, and _some_of us were in costume. For some reason the idea went around to come as your favorite historical figure. Jordan had elected to dress as a Macedonian warrior; Xena was in some medieval garb, the lovely dark red dress she'd made, I don't know who she was supposed to be. I haven't had much chance to talk to her lately. I well, as I said I decided to go with my own interpretation of Xena, Warrior Princess' sidekick, with my own long braid and elaborate golden chandelier earrings. I always thought Gabrielle's costume on Xena lacked that little something and earrings really do frame a face. I do like earrings, they are my weakness, and these babies cost me plenty. Anyway, we'd already started our celebration a little early, stopping to have a late lunch and several glasses of wine. None of us feeling any pain, being in a highly adventurous and slightly drunk mood, we decided to go ghost hunting.

I'd brought some candles and other ritual instruments I deemed necessary for a Wiccan ceremony. Mainly, some candles, a large goblet and my Swiss Army knife, it can be substituted as a ritual knife when necessary. We'd come up the silly idea that maybe we could "commune" with their spirits. Jordan, bless her little insistent heart was running her fingers along every crevice and crease on the rock wall, she had some idea that maybe Alexander or Hephaistion or one of the others might have carved their initials into the rock face. Every few seconds she'd call out "Hey, I think I found something." Xena and I would rush to it, but it would turn out to be nothing more than the wearing down of the rock face by time and water.

I have to admit I was curious about Jordan's idea. It made sense to me that these guys, back in their day, must have carved their initials somewhere. I'm surprised we didn't see Alexander's name carved a mile high into the rock. "ALEXANDROS WAS HERE!" Followed by a big smiley face maybe in bright yellow? I mean they were guys weren't they and teenage guys at that, and teenage guys who didn't want anyone to forget they existed, meaning they were probably arrogant little son's of bitches, so they had to have advertised the fact that they had passed that way. Of course, later on Alexander left plenty of reminders that he had passed along the way to wherever he was going next, cities he named for himself or his dog or horse.

Xena was too interested in her new _kopis_, that's a fancy word for the type of sword Alexander favoured, to be bothered with that though. She'd been messing around with ever since she'd purchased it. She'd bargained and squabbled for it with an ancient Macedonian man, who looked like he was Father Time, himself, with his long, scraggly grey beard, bright black eyes, and sunken cheeks. We'd been sculling around the streets trolling for souvenirs' and we stumbled into his shop. I swear it must have been as old as Pella itself, all worn stone and musty smelling. He'd sworn to her it was an actual antique from Alexandros' day, yeah, that's his real name. None of this fancy _Alexander _stuff with these folks here in Macedon.

Father Time explained the sword had been discovered in the ruins near Pella during some excavations a couple of years ago. I eyed him rather skeptically and asked if it was the real thing wasn't he supposed to turn it over to the government rather than sell it? He gave me a dirty look and muttered under his breath, and crossed himself to ward off the evil eye. I felt like muttering a few choice words back of my own, but didn't want to ruin Xena's bargaining. Honestly, I thought there was something a little hinky about him and his shop. He offered me some jewellery, little earrings with a kid and an eagle. He leaned over and leered at me, explaining about Ganymede. Yeah, I know all about Zeus, and his hot boy toy cupbearer. I turned the earring's down. They looked rusty and not at all gold, as he claimed they were.

It seemed to be going rather well. It was clear when she saw it, that Xena and that sword would not be parted. So we left the shop, Xena in tow, already swiping the late warm afternoon air with strong-arm thrusts and lunges. People did sort of look at her as though she were a bit deranged, but Jordan told her she was in good company, that in Alexander's day, many a warrior had walked those ancient streets with their great bronze and irons swords clanging at their hip. For a moment, I thought I could hear hardy masculine laughter and saw for a split second the tall burnished helmets of four warriors their bright golden curls glowing in the setting sun. I shook my head and the "vision" vanished.

"Okay, that settles it," I told myself, "No more Ouzo."

We never really planned to come out here, at least not at this hour, but feeling pretty good, (a little Ouzo helped a lot) we just thought, what the hell, let's give it a try. I'd brought along a bottle of good red wine in case Alexander should pop up, perhaps he'd be thirsty and would join us for a drink or two or three. So we steered our jeep along narrow roads and a lot of pretty scenery until Mieza lay before us, or around us, or whatever, we got there, okay? It was cool to be in the place where Alexander, et al., had spent those years in study with Aristotle. I saw it as sort of an ancient Harry Potter and Hogwarts. Do you think Aristotle was the Dumbledore type? As we strode about I remember saying to myself, perhaps Alexander stood here, upon this very spot, perhaps he sat here, perhaps he and Hephaistion kissed there; perhaps they...well, you get the idea.

Oh, hell! They've caught Jordan. I can tell because I hear her voice roaring up a storm. From the sound of it, she's coming in my direction. I scream out her name and Horseshit Man, who obviously doesn't like this, I guess I'm not supposed to speak unless he gives me permission picks me up, or tries to because I kick him in the shin and he drops me. I scramble to my feet, and am just about to kick him where it will really count, when I stop. I can see by the look in his eyes, which I notice are light blue, like cold aquamarines, he's pissed, really pissed. Next thing I know my braid is in his hand and I can see that if I don't want to lose my hair or head, 'cause I'm beginning to wonder about this guy, 'cause he's growling like an animal right now, I decide I'll cooperate, at least for now. We come toward a large open area where hundreds of horses are corralled.

They are magnificent animals, proud, well fed, upright, with strong legs and glossy manes, every one of them. They are in all colors too, but one stands out, off in the distance, is a separate corral. In it stands a little to himself, a glorious black stallion. Boukephalus! There is actually a separate tent set up nearby and I manage a quick peek before I dodge my ah, escort again, it's clearly a stable, but what a stable! Clearly, it's for the king of horses. I think I even saw armour panoply! I think I recall reading somewhere that he wore armour in battle. It has to be, there is no other horse like this in history. I know its Boukephalus, because he's so godlike and arrogant there in the midst of the other horses. Besides, he has a streak - a sort of whitish star on his forehead. What other horse could this be?

"Oh, Xena's gonna love this! Jordan!" I shriek at the top of my lungs trying to turn around searching for her. "It's Boukephalus!" Forgetting my companion I start off in the direction of the great black horse that I - Damn! He's done it again! The dude is gonna pull my head off. He yanks me back by my braid. What a jerk! He's sniggering, laughing! Wow, does he have strong arms! Before I can swallow, he slings me over his shoulder like a bag of wheat and he's running toward a large wooden shack. This must be a stable, I can tell by the smell and the whinnying of the horses inside. He puts me down just before we enter. I check to make sure I'm all in one piece, 'cause I think he broke my spine at the very least when he "set" me down on the ground.

I turn as we enter. Two giants are escorting Jordan; she looks like a doll, a little Madame Alexander version of Alexander the Great in her armour and helmet. She's definately not happy, I can tell by the deep frown on her face. I begin to say something to her but am stopped by the scream of a horse; some dude is torturing the poor thing.

As my escort pushes me closer, he says something to one of the men standing around the horse. She's clearly in labor, her breathing harsh and you can see the legs of the colt moving around inside of her. About five other Macedonians surround her; one is lying on, his side, on the ground with his arm in her up in her hindquarters. Two of other men are wearing chitons, which are as equally filthy as my escorts', and three of them are stark…! They do have their sword belts on, though.

Hmmmm, yes, that is quite disconcerting. Ah… Do they _all_ have thighs like that? I mean, my gosh just look at those muscles! They all have six packs and those arms… And... Ah, oh, god, please don't turn around, yes! No! I mean no! Wow, is it getting warm in here or?

All right, moving along now. Boy, these boys are really obviously warriors, I mean anyone can see from their… yes, oh-kaay.

Yes, I…now… just give me a sec.

Hmmm…alrighty now! It is quite clear they are helping the horse I guess the guy on the ground is the vet. Yeah, I'm pretty certain he must be. What else would he be? He seems to be clearly occupied with vet like activities.

Ah, okay…..

Oh, yes, umm, back to the vet. Hmmm, he has really nice legs, long, very well muscled thighs… nice feet, too.

Oh, sorry, I just got a bit sidetracked. All right, where was I? Oh, yeah, the vet. He's giving orders out right and left in an anxious alto. Every so often, he stops rattling off the orders and purrs to the horse, that's the only way I can think of to describe how he sounds, as he very gently her strokes her heaving sides. A couple of buckets of water stand near him, a large blanket, and some other items. He talking to the horse very softly, while moving his arm around up inside of her, she neighs loudly every time he does this. He's shaking his head at the man nearest him muttering something in more of that incomprehensible gibberish that seems to go for the common language around here, and the other guy takes off running. I try hard to figure out if I can make out the sound of any names, but nothing is clear to me. He's speaking too quickly. I slide my eyes over to Jordan and she moves her head ever so slowly to meet mine and shakes her head, it's clear she can't understand him either.

I looking around the stable, and the men, well, I'm trying not to look too closely. I hear Jordan's gasp and follow her eyes. These guys are prime specimens of…. Words don't ah, I can't think right now. I think it's getting really warm in here, again. I fan myself a little with my hand and one of them laughs.

They turn and look at me; I can feel my face burning. I haven't seen this many naked men since my life drawing class in college, and none of the models looked like this. These guys are solid muscle, sun bronzed skin. A lot of their bodies are scarred. But there is an indefinable pride, a... I can't even think of the word to describe it, Homeric! Yeah, I guess that would do. They really are like the warriors and gods of legend. Some of them have so many scars that I cringe just looking at them, but none appear to be in any pain or discomfort. They are laughing and chatting, but it is clear that all their attention is focused on the horse on the ground.

Then Jordan hissed at me, "Lexy, look," I follow her finger which is pointing to the ground. The man, the one with his arm up the horse's, ah, hindquarters, both our eyes have locked onto him. His long very shapely legs are stretched out, his feet are so close to me I could reach out with my toes and tickles the soles of this man's feet. My eyes follow the legs, they come, ah,,, ah, well, he's got a chiton on, at least, so what that's it's twisted all the way up to his waist and he's pretty much on display. Oh, yeah, it's hot in here!

He turns a bit and the sun catches the glint of gold curls, there's bit of red gold mixed with that pure gold. I gaze at the curling hair it reminds me of the fire of a rising sun. It's a lovely color. I wonder how I would look with that hair color and am thinking…

Jordan grabs my arm, which earns her a jab from one of the soldiers guarding her. She clearly does not like this and is about to return the favor when the guy; the solider guarding her, these guys must all be psychic or something, grabs her arms and pinions them to her side. All this gets the attention of the man on the ground, both Jordan and I watch awestruck as he squirms around a bit, freeing his arm and sits up. I look down; my eyes seem to keep straying to his lap. Good God! This man, god…ah, he's very gifted obviously. I can hear by Jordan's "oh my god!" that she's just seen the royal jewels same as I and at the sound of our voices he looks up at us, down at his lap and back up at us and grins; rather cheekily at that, too. I know now would be a good time to crawl away somewhere and disappear. However, I quickly glance around at the surrounding men wondering is one of them Hephaistion? Which of these Apollo's could be the gorgeous Hephaistion? I try to scan the little group, but my eyes keep returning of their own accord to the horse doctor's lap. He's studying both Jordan and I with open curiosity while speaking with Horseshit Man and Jordan's guards. Actually, he seems to be enjoying himself. Opps, there goes the chiton, maybe if he would stop wiggling about so much!

Hmmm, ah, yes, he's tossing his head about and gesticulating madly with his arms. Clearly, he's going on about something, no doubt the horse. He keeps turning his head around and patting her, crooning to her in that tuneless little voice. Clearly, this guy loves horses. He lean over and kisses her wet nose several times. However, it's also clear he's doing a great job keeping the mare calm. I notice he's keeping a keen eye on Jordan and me as well, as though sizing us up. Any moment I expect him to jump up, open our mouths, inspect our teeth, and pat our legs.

I glance over at Jordan her cheeks are the color of red crayons. I have a feeling she's reached the same conclusion I have, the horse doctor, oh my god! I think this may be….

Alexander!

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

A direct continuation of Part 2, what could possibly happen next? Wait and see.

**WARNING: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story. **

* * *

Huhhh, okay, now that the breath is back in my body, I could be mistaken, couldn't I? HE doesn't look exactly like all those statues, but close enough. His nose is just the tiniest bit on the large side, but it's a very Greek nose, very like those statues, you know what I mean! It's not really too big, actually it suits him, keeps him from being pretty.

He's got a nasty looking scar on the right side of his jaw, and a couple more small ones above his eyebrow. There's one right near his hair line. It disappears right into those gold curls. I wonder is that from the battle of the Granikos? I have to make myself move, even if go nowhere, I find myself staring.

His hair, at least the part of it that's not full of straw is curly and does flow like a loose mane from a sort of widow's peak high on his forehead. I can't help but stare, it's gotta be him. He really does have a sort of boyish demeanour. Oh, he's just adorable, like a little stuffed animal! I can see why his men all love him. His eyes really are fascinating, very large, a soft blue-grey, although one seems a little darker than the other. Right now, they are sparkling with mischief, and if that's not bad enough he opens his mouth to speak in that slightly nervous alto, and his lips catch my attention. Mmm, nice lips! Oh, gods, yes, this has got to be Alexander! Those lips, there's no mistake, they look just like his… I'll be he's good kisser…

Oh!

Alexander, yea, I mean he looks like, gods; he really does look a lot like the bust that's in the museum in Athens. His features aren't perfect, not like his statues, but there is definitively something about him. I can't keep my eyes from his face, well, yeah, his face. When he smiles, it's clear something exudes from him, some energy, a spell, an enormous charisma. There's something mesmerizing about him. Sort of like he's a Venus flytrap and we are the little, curious flies. He stands up and dips his arm which is disgusting into one of the buckets and wipes it off on a piece of cloth one of this ah, "friends" hands him.

He towers over both Jordan and I, and really isn't all that short .Maybe about five eight. Right now, he doesn't look like a boy, but rather a perplexed, dirty half-naked sanitation worker. I want to say something to him but couldn't get a word out much less a croak. I think this is really him, Alexander, the boy king who conquered the world, who right now is so filthy I wouldn't let him near my cat's litter box.

The sound of someone yelling gets his attention and he brushes past us, both Jordan and I cringe, as he goes toward the door of the stable and yells back. Well, that's one myth dispelled, he reeks of blood and horse shit just like the others here. He turns back smiling widely, speaking rapidly to Horseshit Man, again and waving him away toward the other end of the stable.

"Jordan, it's him. I think it's really him. Oh, god where Xena she's going to be so upset!" One of the Macedonians glares at me and shouts in my face. Oh, yeah, I've forgotten the first rule for women in this world, to be unseen and unheard. Well, tough. I do something stupid, but I can't help it, I stick my tongue out at him. This clearly angers him, he's grabbed a dagger from the only thing he's wearing his sword belt. These guys are strange, no clothes, but they make sure their swords and daggers are always on their person. Alexander' back is turned, and he doesn't see what's happening, in a quick flash Jordan has drawn her sword on the dagger wielding Macedonian and suddenly there is a standoff.

Then from behind her, through the doorway, comes a shadow, it creeps up and before it turns into the elderly grey bearded man it is and grabs her by the back of her neck she jabs the air with her sword. His hand is large enough to encompass her entire neck and pulls her back. I glare up at him; he scowls at me and literally tosses Jordan into a corner like she's a ragdoll. She gets up and jumps on grey beard's back, and gives him a good jab with her fist in the neck.

This gets Alexander' attention and quick as a hummingbird he's pulled a sword on her. He didn't have one on him, but clearly there are several around.

It's a standoff, maybe we're really at the OK Corral, so I guess that means I'm gonna have to play Doc Holiday. I reach inside my travel vest, which I put back on after the search at the perimeter, and pull out the Colt handgun I've had secured away, raise my arm above me and pull the trigger. A boom explodes throughout the barn, the horses begin to go wild, and suddenly I am standing alone with the Macedonians, backing away grumbling. Jordan has been freed and is jabbing grey bearded guy with her sword into a corner. I turn toward Alexander, his hand clenched on his sword, but his expression shows complete awe, as his eyes are hooked on my hand and the gun still raised in the air. I know by the way those legendary eyes shine; he's just seen something he wants. Jordan and I look over at one another thinking the same thing, should we give it to him?

to be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Takes up directing following Part 3.

**WARNING: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story.**

* * *

Silence is seething, not golden.

It is seething and full of the sound of grumbling questioning male voices. Alexander and his Macedonians were for the first few minutes stunned by the sound of the gun shot, but dear little Alex is not going to be known as the conqueror of the world for nothing. He takes a step forward, I'll say this for him, he's gutsy. He speaks to me, very clearly, calmly, but firmly. I don't know exactly what he's saying, but am fairly certain it's the ancient Greek/Macedonian equal event of "give me the f…..g gun". He even holds his hand out. I look over at Jordan, for less than a second, and my hand lowers, but to my side, away from Alexander.

Jordan shakes her head "no". I look at him the Boy King is getting a very persuasive look in his eye maybe I should rethink this. This guy is not afraid of this gun. Either he really is the son of Zeus or as wacko as they come. No, I remind myself, he's never seen a gun before and doesn't really know what it can do to a side of beef, or the head of a human being. Maybe he needs another demonstration.

I'm on the verge of lifting and pointing at a grain bucket, when we are treated to the arrival of a friendly little group of guys. They come bounding up like a pack of wild hounds, screaming something outlandish that sounds like EiEiOOOOOO and it just sends shivers down my spine. Several have those sharp nasty little _kopis_' out at the ready and look like they'd enjoy some pincushion practice. For a moment I panic, what if they kill Jordan? Oh, she'll be so mad if that happens before she gets to see Hephaistion!

While I'm doing all this thinking, too much thinking, (I should have kept my eye on Alexander) a large shadow looms over me. I look up in time to see Alexander's eyes sparkle at the shadow. Just when I'm about to check out this "shadow" that has him grinning like an idiot, yeah, I do have an idea whose shadow this is. I hear a familiar voice swearing at them.

Cassandra! Damn, damn, damn, damn! I can't see her, but apparently Jordan can. She is none too pleased and is gesturing to her with her hands. Things are getting sticky enough already without another unexpected factor in this equation. Still, Cassandra can be useful in a fight. Like Jordan and Xena; and where the Hades is Xena anyway; Cassandra isn't some squealing little piece of fluff. If the Macedonians don't believe in Amazon's well by the time we finish with them they just might! So there!

But how did she find us? I thought we left her happily back in the hotel room. She said she wanted to sleep. Last I saw her she was tucked up sweetly with a cup of tea with a little something extra in it and a picture of Alexander she'd gotten from the museum gift shop. Well, is she ever going to be in for a surprise? Stupid me, I turn at the sound of her voice, and find myself sandwiched between Alexander and another tall Macedonian. This one is the Apollo-Ares brand, arrogant as can be. He exudes: "look at me and weep or beg because you'll never see anyone quite like me again." He's six feet and maybe a bit more. They must come out of their mother's wombs like this, breathtakingly beautiful, and deadly as hell looking. He looks like he eats people like Jordan, Xena, Melina and I for a snack. His eyes lock together with Alexander and I have the weirdest feeling this, copper haired, blue eyed Apollo is none other than Hephaistion. Besides the erotic energy bouncing back and forth between these two dudes is unmistakable. Alexander, who is already half undressed, yes, the skirt of his chiton is now covering the royal jewels, but the top has come undone and his broad muscular chest is bare. Hephaistion, who else can it be brushes a hand along Alexander's chest. It's a good thing they're out here in a public place, 'cause, ah, if they were in a tent somewhere, I think things would be getting pretty hot right about now.

The guy's face is perfect, absolutely not a scar on it, and really is breathtaking. Oh, you can tell by the way he moves, breathes and no doubt even pisses he is most assuredly aware of it. They really are a perfect couple, Mr. and Mr. Supreme Macedonian Warrior and Ruler of the World.

Not a word is spoken between the two men, but suddenly my hands are being twisted, by this beauteous Ares and Alexander steps up to me as though to embrace me.

Oh, yuck! Where ever did that myth come from that he smelled so pleasant? It's just a damn lie! He pulls the gun from my clenched fingers, and he's none to gentle about it, either! My foot slides out, I'm thinking of tripping him, when suddenly Jordan yells. Thank the gods she's finally gotten back into working mode. She starts trying to explain to Alexander and the big guy, whom she too is suspecting of being Hephaistion, because she flat out addresses him as Hephaistion, son of Amyntor, to which he gives her a mighty frown, but shakes his curly locks in agreement. Anyway, she's trying to explain to Alexander who now has my gun pointing the barrel up right at his pretty little face. I mutter under my breath "Go ahead and fire it, Alexander, it won't hurt, you're a god, after all." Hephaistion hears me mumbling and doesn't like the tone and grabs me by the hair. I'm really getting tired of this hair pulling stuff, and with a growl try and pull my head back in the other direction. Alexander scowls at Hephaistion and shock of the day, he lets go of it! But he keeps his large paws locked on my hands. I'm beginning to think I don't like Hephaistion, Alexander's _eromenos_ or not.

I feel like a ping pong ball as I turn my head back and forth watching them as they "chat". Hephaistion has his left hand on his hip and his head tilts rather like Alexander's. I think maybe they were born as twins, but Alexander got pulled out of the oven too soon, 'cause he's not as tall. Their facial expressions are very similar except Alexander uses his hands constantly to express his feelings, I guess. He looks like he's conducting an orchestra. I just wish he wasn't holding the loaded, safety off gun in his hand as it sways through the air. I try to get Jordan's attention, but she's also locked her gaze on the Alexander/Hephaistion show. Well, maybe more the Hephaistion show. Her eyes have gone soft and dreamy.

"Lexy, would you look at his lips? They are sooo pretty." She murmurs softly. Yeah, he's got 'em too, kissable lips, pretty lips, just like Alexander. Too bad of all the dudes to be fully dressed this is the one guy I think Jordan and I would have preferred to see sans chiton. We can't see his thighs! However, watching Jordan, when I'm not watching Alexander and the gun, I can tell that if anyone, other than Alexander can get a glimpse of those thighs, Jordan will. She has very determined, steely glint in her eyes.

Then both Hephaistion and Alexander glower with major irritation at Jordan, but they do give her their attention and let her speak. How they can understand her is beyond me. Come to think of it, how is it that they can understand her? Then I realize she's not speaking English. When did she become fluent in ancient whatever? I'm beginning to wonder what exactly is going on here.

I pause for half-a second to think. Okay, we did the ritual as Olympiada had written it down. I got all the things she'd written for us, even the strange smelling herby things in the little pouch from that really weird shop in Pella. Oh, I haven't really mentioned her before now, sorry. She's the final member of our little group. We picked her up in Athens, where she joined our tour group. She's really cool, has the most gorgeous long, curly red hair. Also, she knows scads of stuff about Alexander and Hephaistion. I think she must be an historian or the like. I've never met someone who knows so much about them. It was really her idea to go out to Mieza. I'd sort of forgotten that. Come to think of it, she wasn't there when we were doing the ritual. Right when we were all piling in the jeep for a drive out to Mieza she got an urgent phone call and told us to go without her, she'd join up with us later.

I watch Jordan as she talks to Alexander and Hephaistion. They don't manhandle her or pull her hair. I guess I wore the wrong clothes. She's trying in a not so obvious way to keep from flat out staring at Hephaistion, who is clearly intent on every word she is saying. She looks over at me and says they think the gun is a gift from Zeus since it carries the sound of thunder.

"Alexander wants to know if you are from Zeus also? Who was your father? Who are your ancestors?" She looks at me expectantly, "He also wants to know if the gun can be used to throw a thunderbolt, and if yes, would like a demonstration."

"Demanding little bugger isn't he?" Clearly she doesn't care for my tone. I think she is turning into a mini-Macedonian before my very eyes. She seems to have developed a very Hephaistion like gesture, with her left hand on her hip and tilt of her head while waiting for my explanation. This is not good!

I snort, and look up at Alexander, the horse doctor, and say to her, "Yeah, tell him, I'm from Zeus and he'd better tow the line or else." She looks at me and shakes her head, and says, "You really want me to tell him that?"

"Hell if I know what to say to him! Tell him, ah..." I can't think right now, my mind has gone sort of blank. I think it's finally hitting me. We, Jordan, Cassandra and Xena, wherever the hell Xena is, are here in ancient Macedonia. Or some ancient place. Oh god, I think for a moment, looking around quickly thinking horses, Xena! What if she stole one and has fallen off and is lying injured, bleeding or unconscious somewhere! I'm about to go into a spin when Alexander, who must be able read minds or is good at understanding expressions says something to me, I look to Jordan for the translation and suddenly Alexander the stinky and his glowering side kick, Hephaistion are almost squeezing me to death between them. I'm a second away from putting my hand on the filthy royal chest in front of me, so I can get some air, fresh air, when Jordan hisses at me "Come up with something fast, I need to tell them something and it had better be good."

I shake my head, roll my eyes, and smile at Alexander as sweetly as I can because he's studying me too intently for me to be comfortable and say, "Okay, tell them I am a messenger from Egypt and the Scorpion goddess Selket, and I, ah, am bring new gifts to help him defeat the Persians or whoever he's conquering right now."

I turn, or try to, but really can't because Hephaistion has become my new back bone. I just want to try and get an idea of the timeframe. Suddenly, my eye catches the deep wine colored scar on Alexander' left shoulder. Gaza! We're past Gaza, or he wouldn't have the scar there. Quickly I scan him, ignoring certain areas, or trying to anyway. There, another major scar on his right thigh, that was from Gaugamela. An awful thought comes to me, I hope we're not in India. Oh, thank God, there's no scar in his right breast. So, we're somewhere after Gaugamela and before India. Oh wonderful! That's could be just about anywhere. I wonder if he's already picked up his little wifey, Roxanne?

I make faces at Jordan and hiss back, "Go on tell them that. Tell them you're my protector. Otherwise Hephaistion might make you do latrine duty, and I know you don't want to do that, even to please Hephaistion, oh, he of the beauteous thighs." She hisses at me and for a second both our eyes' stray toward Hephaistion's lower body.

Hmmm, you can make out the barest outline under the thin fabric of his chiton of his anatomy. I look at her, raise one eyebrow think to myself, "I'd never to do this for anyone else, but since I'm depending on you to save my skin…" I lean ever so slowly against him, opps! I lose my balance grab onto the skirt of his chiton and yank. It helps me stay upright. Nothing happens! Oh, no wait a moment, Jordan is beaming. I look down. I don't think he's wearing a loin cloth. Alexander is making a sort of grumbling nose, and Hephaistion's hand swoops down resettling _something_ down there. Opps, forgot about Alex, I wouldn't want him to think I'm molesting his pretty boy Which of course, I am, or at least trying to. I pause and wonder for a moment, looking at Jordan and whispered quickly.

"Do you think he would trade Hephaistion for the gun? You'd like that wouldn't you"'

She stares at me for a moment as though I've lost my mind, and then her eyebrows raise provocatively and she studies her prey who has shifted his weight from one foot to the next.

"Do you think?" We smile at one another, she says something to Alexander, who pats the gun with a grin and glances up at Hephaistion. No! Really, would he really trade?

She turns and speaks to them and suddenly both Alexander and Hephaistion step back, Alexander's head nearly hits the ground, I can hear more earth chewing behind me; it's nice to be a goddess and I sigh inwardly. Safe for a moment, I think with relief. I feel around in my pockets for the rest of my "gifts"; the lighter, a now squished chocolate bar (thanks to Hephaistion) a small first aid kit with antiseptic ointment, among other things in it; and a flashlight, a ball point pen and a small bottle of rum.

I do have my cell phone, but that one will be useless. There's clearly no signal here. But, oh, I smile at myself for a moment and pull it out, flip it open and bend toward the worshipful form of Alexander. He looks up into the miniature screen, hops to his large dirty feet, his face beams, it's like the sun has suddenly enveloped the entire stable. If this were a small city we would suddenly have instant electricity. Damn, but I do love screen savers! Of course it doesn't hurt that I just happened to have a picture of his royal stinkiness as my screen saver. Clearly, he recognizes the image and is just enamored of himself. Then I press a button, hand it to Jordan as the screen saver changes, oh, yeah, baby! That did the trick. Hephaistion is making sounds of awe and surprise. He's grabbed the phone in his hand. Oh, yeah, these two, they're exactly alike. They love to look at themselves and each other.

I scan the hunched over forms of the bowing Macedonians and see Cassandra. She's dragging along a picnic basket in one hand. Oh, joy, I can't wait to see what goodies she's got in there. Maybe Jordan can explain to Alexander that she's Demeter of the Fields or on her way to a Dionysian festival because she's also got a wreath of flowers on her head and a joint stuck in between her lips. The sweet scent from the pot wafts toward us. Oh, yeah, this is gonna be fun. I look over at Jordan she is beaming from ear to ear, and why not, Hephaistion is kneeling at her feet.

To be continued….


	5. Chapter 5

**Part 4**

Alexander discovers he likes weapons, the modern kind.

**WARNING**: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story.\

* * *

The air cracked and shook and grain rained like little bits of light bronze hail around the bowed heads of the Macedonians.

Well, he'd gone and done it.

I've got to give him credit, Alexander was a fast learner. He'd fired my Colt 45, at the same grain bucket I'd been about to fire it into. Pow! Another slug rammed into the side of the stable wall. He was firing at will and loving it. His eyes shone like sapphires and his breathing was heightened. Forget Hephaistion, this guy got off on blowing things up or destroying them, at least. Jordan's eyes were so wide I was afraid they were about to pop out of her head. I could hear Hephaistion's breathing behind me, it was beginning to tickle, but I think he was getting nervous, I think, at least I hoped so and could get the Golden Boy to stop it before he...

NO! I jerked forward and slammed into the royal body with my full five foot five inches and the shot went wild, thank the gods, because he was pointing it at Horseshit Man, whom I later found out was Philotas. Too bad, I guess I should have let that one go. I tried or ending up wrestling with Alexander for the gun screaming NO! No! NO! as loud as I could into whichever ear was closest to my mouth. It was like talking to a mischievous child, he was looked slightly abashed, but I could tell he wasn't really repentant.

He would not let the gun go and seemed to be enjoying himself. How had he figured out to fire it? I hadn't given any demonstrations. Clearly he was a quick learner.

"Jordan!" I screamed as we rolled on the shit strewn ground, I'll never forgive Alexander for this, now I smelled like him. "Help me! DO SOMETHING! Someone is going to get killed!" He would not let the gun go. It wasn't really a matter of fighting or anything like that, clearly it was no contest he was stronger and I was trying to keep the gun pointed away from either of us, and kept grabbing for his hand, which he kept pulling just out of my reach. He was laughing. I was beginning to hate this man! I don't care that he's the greatest military genius who ever lived, I don't care that he loved Hephaistion and cried when he died. I don't care that his mother and father made his life hell; especially when he was a kid; I don't, ah hell, if I were to pull his hair would he shoot me?

I was afraid one of the Macedonians was going to stab me with those nasty looks swords of theirs, but they clearly couldn't believe that their mighty leader was rolling around on the ground with a woman. They had a sort of dumbfounded look in their eyes. Maybe they thought this was a new method of warfare, Alexander was an innovator, after all. Well, Horse-shit man, Philotas, who actually did have very pretty blue eyes, yelled something to Hephaistion, who yelled something to Jordan who said very calmly to me.

"Stop it, Lexy. We'll get it away from him; besides it's ungoddess like of you to roll around on the ground like that. Alexander might start wondering about your divinity and then we'll really be in trouble." I made a face at her and got up or tried to. He pulled on my ankle and I fell back down over him and he rolled over on top of me, I felt like I was being crushed to death. I looked up at Hephaistion and said very calmly, "Hephaistion, please get your lover off of me." Clearly he didn't understand me, which was good, but Jordan did and held her hand up to her mouth to smother her laugher. That did get Hephaistion's attention.

I lay there, pushing on Alexander's chest, trying, ah; well, just trying to get away from him. I could just imagine the games he and Hephaistion played together deep in the night, when no one is around or they think listening or watching. Clearly Hephaistion had seen enough and he said something to Alexander who suddenly moved away, and I found myself being lifted through the air like a doll and set on my feet just inches away from Alexander. He growled something to Alexander who was smiling like he was just having a grand old time and got up. I sooo wanted to spit at him.

When Alexander got up, Jordan nodded and came over and held out her hand for the gun. He just looked at her, raised his golden brows a little and laughed. He glanced up at Hephaistion. He grabbed the gun from Alexander's hand fumbled with it for a moment, looked from me to Jordan and then fired point blank into one of the horses. It screamed and crumpled like a load of bricks that had been left out in the sun too long.

Alexander yelled, Hephaistion shouted back, Alexander yelled louder, Hephaistion screamed at him until his face was red - the other Macedonians were scrambling to the horse and poking their fingers into the bullet wound. Alexander had an aggravated look on his face; clearly he didn't realize that the gun could do this. He went to stand by the dead horse and was actually crying. Gods! The man! I so wanted to go over to him and scream in his face, "Look what you did!" But didn't because Hephaistion had killed the horse. So turning to the culprint, I gave him a dirty look which he caught and had the good grace not to return. What he did do was put the gun back in my hand. I quickly put it back in my pocket, and started to feel awful. I just wanted to get away from here.

Jordan and I decided we would try to quietly creep away, and drag Cassandra by the arm, but Hephaistion and Horse, ah, Philotas stopped us. Clearly I couldn't understand them, but Cassandra did, she had finally put out her joint and figured out something serious was going on. Between her, Jordan, Philotas and Hephaistion, it became clear that we would stay in their camp as Alexander's guests. Great! I had a feeling the invitation had been issued by Hephaistion, he was Alexander too, wasn't he? He was a bit more cool than Golden Boy, but every so often his eyes swerved toward the gun and he grinned. He wasn't fooling me. He'd get it for Alexander somehow. Besides Alexander this guy was Aristotle's star pupil, he wasn't dumb, that's for sure!

Another of the naked Macedonians came up to Cassandra, this one was smiling at her like she was Aphrodite herself. She smiled back.

Oh great, I thought just what we need; a romance between Cassandra and some filthy Macedonian. He wasn't really bad looking, I started to study his face, he had very yellow curly hair, and blue eyes; he actually resembled Alexander slightly, except for the chin…he was tall and thin, but very wiry. While he was clearly making fast time with Cassandra I kept trying to get Jordan's attention. The Macedonian's hands weren't too dirty and he was playing with Cassandra's long dark hair. One of the flowers from the wreath on her head had fallen off and he was playing with it. She was giggling. They were talking about something and he was unsheathing his sword. Oh, no, I thought! No, don't give it to her! Please Xena was bad enough.

I looked over at him, and said, even though he couldn't understand me, "You'll never get it back now. She loves swords. I'll bet she knows how to use them better than you do." He looked at me, but couldn't understand and Cassandra didn't tell him what I said. She was too awed holding the sword, lunging, thrusting, repelling an imaginary attack to pay any attention.

I wanted to go up to her and kick her. He was trying to get his hands on the picnic basket, that was clear, he began to lean down to where she'd set it. There was probably wine in there, and he being a Macedonian had no doubt sniffed it out. But she saw him and picked it up and kept it behind her back. She kept the sword too. Good girl! Now here was quick thinking!

Then she called me over, "Guess who this is?" I rolled my eyes at her, while I kept another eye on Jordan who was deep in conference with Hephaistion and Alexander. I have to admit she really did look like she belonged here. "Do we have to play guessing games, can't you just tell me?"

"Ptolemy, son of Lagus." My eyebrows rose, for a minute I was thinking, should I? I looked over at Alexander, for the moment behaving himself, so calm, innocent, lost in earnest conversation.

I strode closer, "Ptolemy, really? How nice." I drawled my mind racing through the pages of a book I'd recently read that offered a view point that Ptolemy had murdered Alexander. Did I want to see the great-great-great whatever grandfather of the future famous Cleopatra, future mother of little Caesarian, by his father, Julius Caesar dead without proof that he'd really killed Alexander. A book was just a book, and I'd had my doubts about the idea, I couldn't see Ptolemy as a murderer, of female heart's maybe, but not Alexander. Still, I studied the man carefully, thinking to myself, I would watch him, carefully. After all I am an emissary for an Egyptian goddess, the scorpion goddess, if he plans to someday rule Egypt he'd better tow the line. I smiled at him, he smiled back. The guy could seduce with one eye open that was clear. I would stay away from him, and decided to secure the picnic basket myself. When I had a moment I would look in it, hopefully it was just full of food. Wine would be nice; I could use a glass right about now. So, I took it from Cassandra's hands, leaving them free for Ptolemy's friendly grip, and his sword, and strode over to Jordan. I was still wondering where Xena was.

Jordan was clearly in her element, lecturing, that is the only way I can put it, about the effect of the bullet on the dead horse. She was pointing to the bullet's entry wound and then making little hand gestures as accompaniment. I don't know what the hell that was all about, but clearly Alexander and Hephaistion and the other Macedonians gathered round were spell bound. Alexander got to his large, filthy feet, and actually, my god, I was so shocked I actually swayed and he put out a hand to steady me, began to straighten up his chiton, adjusting it so that he was properly clothed. Just when I was thinking of getting another peep at the royal jewels, damn! Then I began to wonder, what if he was married to Roxanne by now? I looked for a ring on his wedding finger and then laughed aloud at myself; they probably didn't wear wedding rings. Jordan looked at me, and Alexander too, I just shook my head. Let's see, how would that one go, Ah, Alexander are you going to introduce us to your little wifey? How's that going with Hephaistion? He really okay with that? No, I don't think I'd go in that direction. Then both he and Hephaistion began speaking to me at the same time.

Oh, joy! Hephaistion had much to ask about the gun, as no doubt would Alexander who had gone back to studying the dead horse. I was wondering about the mare. She had been silent for a while and looked over; someone else was tending to her. That made me feel better. Meantime, Alexander kept prodding the deceased beast, studying it, opening its mouth, moving its legs; clearly he was trying to figure out what had happened. He looked over at us and was asking questions. Jordan rolled her eyes and went over, knelt at his side and tried to explain, again, what had happened. Then she looked up at me, and I knew we had truly fallen down the rabbit hole.

"He wants another demonstration, but on a cow or bull. Would you accept it as a sacrifice? He doesn't understand exactly what the gun did. He's not sure the horse is really dead, but perhaps sleeping. He believes this is your magic, and wants to learn it, if "the Goddess would so permit." I couldn't help but smile as she tried to mimic his tone of voice. He was looking at me very respectfully; I sighed loudly, pursed my lips, crossed my arms and thought about it. I told her to tell Hephaistion, but clearly Hephaistion knew all this, oh, I forgot he spoke Greek too, everyone but me spoke Greek. Why? It's not fair!

I stood there thinking then got had a nice thought. "Alright," I smiled at her in the sweetest, most guiless way I am capable of and said, "But only if Hephaistion will take you into his service, as an aide. I know you can both learn so much from one another. He can teach you how to subdue and destroy hordes of barbarian peoples and you can teach him how to make popcorn and hot chocolate." At first I thought she was going to hit me, but then her eyes lit up like a neon billboard on a hot Las Vegas night. I felt like pulled Hephaistion over and telling him, "Pretty boy, when she finishes with you, you may never be the same." I knew how much something like this would mean to her, but would he do this? He didn't know she was a woman. In fact, none of the Macedonians seemed to have the slightest inkling that she was a woman. Ha, ha, ha. "Oh, and in order for you to bind yourself in service to him, in turn I ask that you both perform a ritual in my presence as you will also be serving me."

"What ritual?" She growled and narrowed her eyes at me, but I smiled back innocently, while I was locating what I would need in one of my many pockets.

"Nothing dirty," I assured her, "Get your mind out of the gutter, I'll leave the little games to the Hardy Boys to play. I don't think Alexander would stand for a rival for lover boy's affections." I smiled affectionately (on purpose) at Alexander and then raised an eye brow and winked at Hephaistion, he looked at me, frowned and then looked at Alexander who was still interested in the dead horse and, oh, how sweet, the boy actually blushed! I loved it! So, he's human after all. I was beginning to wonder. I kept my eye on him; he kept looking at Alexander, moved a bit closer to him and put a hand on his arm. I suddenly decided I'd love to be invisible and follow them around and spy on them.

I watched her explain my terms to both Alexander and Hephaistion. Hephaistion was scowling; he clearly didn't like the idea. Alexander was studying Jordan suddenly with an intentness that was starting to make me nervous. They both put their big heads together and clearly were discussing this. Just to move things along I got the gun out and was emptying the chamber of the remaining bullets, but made sure Alexander saw this. Hephaistion was shaking his head, "No!" Alexander was eyeing the gun and saying calmly "Nai, nai, nai, Hephaistion." Alexander won. Good, I told them the ritual would be performed at sundown, when everyone was nice and clean and I no longer smelled like horse shit. I smiled again at Jordan. She would just love me. I made sure the little bottles of Jack Daniels in my pocket were carefully protected. They would be needed for later. I wondered looking at Hephaistion what would a good hearty swallow of whiskey do to a Macedonian only used to wine?

I think I'm going to change my name to Discord.

To be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

The Perils of Time Travel, Part 6

Things start getting a little wild the old wes..sorry, ancient world, with Alexander channeling Doc Holiday and some horse rustling going on.

**WARNING:** There is a complete lack of reverence in this entire story.

* * *

The little scorpions skittered and scrabbled and tried to claw their way around the fabric of Stefano's mud caked yellow bordered cloak. Seven in all, seven deadly little scorpions were to make their way into the brass box set on the little table before me. So far Stefanos had actually only managed to commandeer three into his cloak. Maybe it was the smell emanating from the much mended fabric, whew! A little piss just does wonders doesn't it to perfume the venue of a Saturday afternoon entertainment. Well, to be honest, the boy looked less than enthusiastic about the whole thing. I'm not saying he ah, oh, no, I mean there are plenty of latrines here you don't even have to look. Just close your eyes and sniff, you know what, on second thought, don't do that. Put your hand over your mouth instead and try not to breathe too deeply, or at all.

Alexander had assigned the young Stefanos to me and he didn't look too thrilled with his assignment. Perhaps a well placed whisper into that sweet little ear of his of the words "Gedrosian desert" would have a better effect on him. He scowled at me whenever he thought my attention was diverted elsewhere or looking up hopefully in the direction of Alexander, no doubt hoping his king would call for him to suddenly fall on his sword in a gesture of undying loyalty. Clearly, he would prefer even cleaning the latrines, which were clearly in dire need of some care than be at my beck and call. Heavens, is that what life is like without modern plumbing? Gods, I don't think I'll be visiting here for too long, I don't care what fascination Jordan has for Hephaistion. No man is worth that stench, I don't care if he is the most gloriously, godlike creature, well, next to Alexander we've ever seen, he's just not worth the gag reflex.

I smiled in Stefano's direction trying to give him a little encouragement. I've got a nice plate of dates, other fruit and some luscious looking wine just waiting here for him, all set out, all he has to do is gather the other scorpions. Then he can take a little break. I'll even rub his shoulders for him. I wonder if he'd like that?

Ohhh, he just snarled a bit, a la Alexander. I guess that means no to the shoulder rub? Oh, well, poor Stefanos, I guess this is what comes from being either Alexander' favorite or a new page. It's probably a little of both, although he's got to be at least twenty. I thought the pages were all little boys, hmm, come to think of it, in the movie they all looked like guys about twenty or so. It's so confusing sometimes, ah, you know I'm a little disappointed, the real Hephaistion looks nothing like the guy in the movie, neither does Alexander for that matter. For one thing he's a little taller, more muscular and better looking than that Irish guy, what's his name that played him. I also think he's probably got a nastier temper. Hephaistion sure does. Man you should have seen him scream at Alexander earlier. Gods, all of them! I'd hate to see those two get in a fist fight!

Oh, well back to Stefano, it's clear why he's one of Alexander' current favorites, with that silky black hair and those deep blue eyes, bedroom eyes I'd call them. Well, "sigh" he clearly is another one of those godlike Macedonians. No, not quite as godlike as Alexander or Hephaistion, I haven't seen anyone who comes close so far, but Stefanos is a cute little thing. If only he wouldn't snarl so much!

I'd seen the snarl on the face of nearly every Macedonian who was worth his salt so far. The snarl, the lion's mane hair cut, the tilt and lift of the head, the rapid, emotional movements of the hands when he was excited about something - the impressive manner in which he vaulted on that monster Boukephalas – there wasn't just one Alexander! Oh no, the Macedonian army was filled with thousands of them, all glorious, hero like, godly men sporting their clean shaven chins, dashing smiles, tight rumps and Hephaistion-like thighs. All hoping for a little immortality or at least a pat on the back or butt, whatever their pleasure was and his, I'm sure from their hero. Oddly enough the only one who didn't seem to have any interest in mimicking the godly little king was Hephaistion. He was his own man that was as clear as the Oxos is deep. Well, I guess it is, obviously it must have been or he wouldn't have had to bridge it, right? Nope, Hephaistion is different, just like Alexander is different, I guess that's probably part of the attraction, and boy are they attracted - to one another. Right after the horse killing debacle they disappeared, I'm sure to clean up, I mean, really the stink…but they both seemed to be alone for quite some time in Alexander' tent.

Some old grizzled, grey headed beast was standing guard with another grizzled black headed scraggly black bearded creature who was missing several teeth, before Alexander's fancy colored tent, and believe me, they looked like they knew what was going on inside, had heard it all before, knew each sound by heart, probably the positions too, but sure didn't mind hearing it all again. Jordan and I watched them quietly, but carefully for two hours, while we sat in ladylike solitude under a lovely embroidered awning being fanned with real peacock feathers and fed grapes and dates, and watched while every so often a small, slow smile would creep up on the guards' faces. Besides, anyone who could have seen by the way Alexander was strutting around Hephaistion once they came out of his tent would know what they'd been up to, yeah; those boys know how to get down and dirty, let me tell you, it's all over their faces, ah, theirs and the guards.

Anyway, forget about all that for right now, ok? I was telling you about the scorpions and Hephaistion and Jordan, right?

Hephaistion, who is now sitting on a camp stool under the awning before his tent, trying to look like he didn't see the scorpions and was more interested in the fascinating game of knucklebones he was playing with a pretty aide, well, I could see he was none too happy right now. He kept glancing first at Jordan who was doing her best to ignore his lazar like glare, while she was talking with Cassandra and Ptolemy who were discussing Zeus knows what, sex probably, they both had that look in their eye. Ptolemy clearly was smitten with her, and kept winding her long dark hair in his fingers. Even Hephaistion looked disgusted with him, and Alexander every so often would shoot a questioning look his way while shaking his head. He looked like he like to send a doctor over to the guy with some nasty tasting tonic, poor Ptolemy. "Keep wondering about him, Alexander," I muttered under my breath, "and don't trust him too much, he's the one who gets all the toys in the end." I paused tossed my head to the side, and wondered, should I tell Alex what the old hijacker will be up to in the future?

"Naw, it's more fun to keep secrets." I told the nice little scorpion that a very, very irritated Stefanos' deposited before me in the box. He muttered something that sounded like a curse or worse and then stalked off toward the other three that were scuttling away as fast as their little stinging claws could carry them. It's too bad he frowns so much; he's such a good looking guy. I can see why Alexander likes him. He's obedient, looks good in his cuirass and short little leather skirt, no doubt can throw a mean javelin and is just so cute! I'm sure if I told him that he'd probably run me through with his _sarissa_. I'd noticed Alexander certainly seemed to like him, he'd put his arm around the boy, very lovingly several times and sent him in my direction with a smacking kiss on the lips and a smack to his very well round, tight, well, I've sure you get the idea. I'd noticed Alexander seemed to like a lot of brotherly affection, he was quite good at giving his men little love pats now and then, and they really seemed to enjoy receiving them. I wonder how Hephaistion feels about that? I'll have to have Jordan ask him.

And speaking of the King, Alexander was prancing around like, well, if I didn't know better, I'd think the boy had seen one too many reruns of _Gunsmoke_ or _Tombstone_. I don't know how but somehow he'd come up with the idea of stuffing my Colt into his sword belt and was strutting around like Wyatt Earp. All he needed was the ten gallon hat, hell, he already had the horse. After watching the tawny haired Macedonian hellion for a little while I decided that he probably had more in common with that exquisitely charming and deadly Southern dentist Doc Holiday than the legendary Wyatt Earp. Both, Holiday and Alexander could be damnably adorable, charming, and clearly one would do anything necessary to stay on their good side. I think Alexander also had some of that wild "killer" gleam in his gorgeous blue eyes, just like Doc Holiday had. Yep, there was definitely something there. The both had a major liking for the fruit of the vine. Holiday was also known to handle his imbibing well. Both would suffer from severe lung ailments, and both were known to be deadly with their weapon of choice, which in Alexander's armory was undoubted a fairly wide selection.

"Oh, well," I sighed aloud to the scorpions that were clacking around angrily in the bottom of the brass box, "At least he's not another Johnny Ringo, or we'd all be in real big trouble right about now."

Finally, we had them, all seven little killers, cuddled tight and neighborly, they were falling over one another trying to claw their way up the slippery sides of the brass. Boy, these little suckers are mean! Let me tell you! I pity Hephaistion and, well, I'm actually a little worried about Jordan, well, maybe not, she'll probably handle them better than Hephaistion. She's a bit pale, has been since I announced the ritual, but clearly is holding up well. No snarls, no growls, no secret deadly curses have been muttered in my direction, I'm sure. Well, she promised she wouldn't anyway.

Now Hephaistion… Is that his fifth cup of wine? Hmmm, I wonder if it's the same stuff I've got here. It must be good, Stefanos is clearly chugging it down like its Dom Perignon. I raised my gold and silver wine cup in Hephaistion direction and smiled while raising a little scorpion in my hand. I tickled it under it's, ah… chin? I don't think scorpions really have chins, but there are ways to relax them, and this I knew and clearly he did not; but ok, yes, I am cheating Jordan knew too. I wasn't going to let her get killed now was I? Or Hephaistion for that matter, I don't want his Golden Boy for an enemy. They'd both survive, probably even without getting stung. The ritual wasn't to see who could withstand the most stings, no it was something else.

Well, I nodded to everyone that it was time to begin; we were all heading toward the direction of the setting sun… I walk with Jordan, her step is strong and calm, I smile at her to give her confidence. I think she looks just fantastic in the gold breast plate Alexander has given her. She's Athena in little. I wish I could take her picture. Her dogs at home would be so proud of her! Hephaistion clearly looks grim, but determined. I think he may be just a little pissed with lover boy. I can tell it's in the dark look he shoots his way every now and then. Alexander too appears a bit nervous, but clearly curious and has already set some sort of wager up, clearly the odds will be on Hephaistion, after all he is Macedonian, therefore he can do anything. I can hear Alexander jabbering away with Philotas who is strutting around looking pretty pleased with himself. He's been scribbling something down in a little wax tablet. I guess he's the bookie for these sorts of functions. Hmm, now that he's cleaned up, and no longer horse shit man, he's not too… Hey – what's that noise? What the…?

Oh, HELL!

Xena's finally arrived, and she's riding a horse that is clearly the spitting image of Boukephalas _or _is Boukephalas! Alexander' eyes are ready to pop out of his head and he's shouting and swearing and running toward the stables. That gleaming sword in his hand looks wickedly sharp right now. Ah, gulp. I don't need to speak Macedonian to understand him he's loud, crude and boy is he pissed!

I run toward Xena and then run in the other direction. That horse is a killer! And she's ridding it like she's Scarlett O'Hara's Pa over the green and bonny hills of Ireland without a care in the world. Next she's going to start leaping fences and yelling "Up the Republic! or whatever the Irish yell." At least she doesn't have a bottle of whiskey in her hand, but you can tell she's having a grand old time and hey, I think the horse likes her. Uh oh!

Ohhh shiiiit! No, that's the worst thing that could happen. Now Alexander will freak out and kill us all. No one rides Boukephalas! No one, well, maybe Hephaistion, yeah, probably he can or does, but I'm pretty sure no one else does. I glance up at him from my position on the ground where I am now cowering. He's actually smiling, a wide, bright, beautiful smack yo' mama smile. Ok, I have a feeling this isn't such a good thing.

I try calling to Xena, but she can't hear me. She and black beauty are heading through camp like the Furies are after them and they've got a two second head start. One thing I can tell, Xena's clearly having the ride of her life. She glowing, smiling and I just want to choke her. Still I have to admire her; she does have a good seat and really knows how to handle a hot blooded stallion well.

I throw myself harder on the ground, I'm groveling now, fingers clawing in the dirt, Stefanos looks happy, "Please Zeus, please Apollo, _phleasse_ white-armed Hera who sometimes appears as a pissed off peacock, please Athena, oh beautiful, brilliant goddess of wisdom and mercy, ah, you are mercy aren't you, or is it? Damn, I keep forgetting I'm just not Greek god oriented. I get stressed so easily at times like this… Ah, okay, Cupid and Aphrodite even, anyone who is immortal and might have a little pull up there-please!" I raise my eyes beseechingly heaven ward and shake my fists begging, imploring, practically screaming - don't tell me that she snuck in and saw that horse and knowing Xena, just had to go for a little ride.

I throw myself on the ground, yet again, before the small golden statue of Selket, the Scorpion goddess, yeah; I always travel with my own. "Oh, please all seeing Horus," I beg crawling now on my knees toward the eye of the Hawk while struggling by myself to light the incense and make a blood offering, 'cause Jordan is running after Hephaistion who is running after Alexander, and they all have their swords out and are flourishing them in the air. I'm having a bit of a problem with the dagger and implore Stefanos with my eyes to help me, but as he advances just a little too rapidly toward me, with a rather unfriendly smile, if I do say so myself, Philotas pushes him aside and grabs the dagger and gently pierces the skin of my wrist.

Thanks the gods, I'll remember Philotas kindly for this at least, 'cause I think Stefanos thought my throat was meant to be the sacrifice. Well, he was eyeing it that way.

I pour the dripping blood on the statue of Selket and continue with my offering in a clearly urgent voice, "I mean let's get going here, or someone's gonna get killed, okay?" I intone loudly, "Loving mother Isis, green skinned Osiris and his brother Set, who slew him and delimbed him until his celestial body was in fourteen little pieces, which you Set sewed in little stinking leather bags and then strew them all over the great swamp of the debris from the heavenly anus of the great god Ra, while your lovingly and grieving wife Isis searched for the world of the dead or something like that, to gather up and… Oh, hell I forget the rest, please, please, by all the gods of the underworld, by the Jackal headed Anubis himself, DON'T let this be a mistake! By the great and glorious god RA, from whom all creation comes from your heavenly piss you who breathe life into your sons and daughters, you who swarm upon the heavens until, ah, hell, forget about that to, just, _PLEASE DON'T LET XENA HAVE BORROWED ALEXANDER' HORSE!_

To be continued….


	7. Chapter 7

The Perils of Time Travel – Part 7

Okay, things start getting a little heated, someone's either going to get killed or seduced, hopefully not in that order.

**WARNING**: There will be a complete lack of reverence for everything in this story.

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To get on with it, and forget the unnecessary stuff, Alexander stopped his runaway stallion in its big black tracks with a whistle. As the horse froze, the irate, young Macedonian King, who was now in full true blooded: "ah, uh oh, I think we should run now, 'cause he's royally pissed mode," grabbed Xena by the arm and yanked her roughly. Did I say roughly? Maybe I should say he manhandled her by the wrist and hair, which I'm sure has now put her in an ugly humor as his, or close to, and pulled her from the horse and flung her to the ground which she hit so hard I could see a small swirl of brown dust float above their faces in the air.

There was an almost angelic dimension to the moment, the way the dust swirled around both of them and the sunlight mixed in with it, illumining their faces. For a moment I could see glorious St. George of old slaying the wicked dragon and the beautiful maiden cowering in tearful fear at his feet. Unfortunately, St. George wouldn't be living or at least his legend wouldn't be sung of for close to a thousand years and the brave knight was really pissed and about ready to bring his sword down on the head of the maiden. Clearly, Alexander wasn't interested in changing his ways for the future of chivalric Christianity. No, he's 100 percent Macedonian or right now, something a little more like Homeric; yeah, raging, kill and destroy Troy, Akhilles kill Hektor Homeric, and anyone else who gets in the way Homeric. Ok, so he is a bit of a diva, too – but damn, the man loves his horse, you can really see that! He'd clearly kill for it. Ah, I wonder if Hephaistion is watching this and taking notes.

I held my breath, having an idea that disturbing Alexander right at this very moment, when that very sharp sword is in his hot, large, angry hand might make things worse. Jordan yelled something that sounded incomprehensible once, and was stopped as Hephaistion stifled her with a hand over her mouth, for which I was willing to bet she would have bit him, but she didn't. No, knowing her she's probably licking it right about now.

Ptolemy growled, Hephaistion made a small sound that sounded like a smirk and Cassandra, thank the gods that someone has their wits about them, as well as a nice sharp sword, that she'd clearly nicked from the amorous Ptolemy 'cause he wasn't paying much attention to anything but her, ran up to Alexander and with a quick slash across the flat blade of his _kopis_ put an end to his intention to end it here and now for Xena.

"Shit!" I heard Jordan swear and then the same word came bounding out of Hephaistion perfect mouth; perhaps she'd been teaching him some new swear words. They could both clearly see we now have a situation on our hands. Hephaistion, quick as something I've never really seen before, can a human being really move that fast, was upon Alexander and Xena, before anything could happen. He pushed Alexander away and pulled Xena up, and yes, again, she was being manhandled, and to be honest I think Hephaistion was actually rougher as he pulled her along by one arm, which was clearly about to come out of its socket. I could tell this by the way she was yelling and trying to hit him. I'd had enough of Macedonian manners and ran up and pushed him from the back, hard, real hard, I mean really, really hard, and he fell down on his knees. At least it did the trick, Xena fell on her face in the dirt, poor thing her hair really is a mess.

On hearing his "cub" wallowing and yelling in the dirt, Alexander turned and growled very loudly, I actually thought that there was a lion in the vicinity, Jordan ran over and stood in front of me, Hephaistion looked up – from where he was kneeling in the dust, and glared like - well, if his face hadn't suddenly become like the Gorgon's, cold, and fully of stony, vicious intent I wouldn't have known that maybe we were all in some serious trouble.

I could tell it was time for a face off, or face down, or something that probably belonged more in the old west than ancient Macedon or Ancient Illyria, or Cilicia. Hey, where the hell are we anyway? We never did manage to ask. Oh, yeah, there's no Roxanne yet, that's a clue, gotta remember that, yeah right, no Roxanne. Is that a good thing?

Well, anyway back to the showdown. It's been coming the way you can tell when the air is suddenly too quiet and soft and then wham, a tornado strikes! Alexander was a walking tornado, right now he was quiet, but he was gathering up the storm cloud inside, it was beginning to show on his handsome face and air was static with some pretty heavy duty emotion and the silken slide of well honed swords as they were pulled from their sheaths.

"Ok, Jordan what do we do now? I think we're going be javelin practice for the new recruits. Do you think they'd crucify women? Wasn't Alexander …" Speaking of Alexander he was about a foot from me, and began blasting me with a torrent of words, they were like a stormy sea about to drown me. I felt my little ship about to sink down beneath the scourge of anger this man was pouring forth upon me. Then I looked up, because at that point I was nearly on the ground and saw it, still there, ignored. Thank the gods, the man really wasn't into modern weapons and I made a grab for it. He's got fast reflexes; I'll say that for him. He hit my hand I bit his. He clearly did not like that and grabbed me by the hair. Damn! I am so sick of this hair pulling stuff! First Horseshit Man, then they pulled Xena by the hair and now me again, what is it with these men? Is it because theirs is all cut off short? What? Do they want their long wavy curls back? Well, don't take it out on us!

Then he grinned that astonishing grin I'd seen before and leapt on me before I could move. Oh, hell, I really hate this guy! _Anikitos _or no, so gorgeous that the flowers wilt when he passes by or no, darling of the gods or no, when he pushed my face for the third time into the dirt I decided I'd had enough. I'm going to curse him and he won't like that. So, as I was struggling to get his muscular, hunky body off me. Really, I don't want anything to do with him in the slightest, Hephaistion he's all yours. You and Jordan can fight over him.

I prefer a man who at least makes some semblance of being pleasant to a lady. Say what you like about that bastard Philotas, but he had been very attentive, bringing me flowers, good wine, food, and seeing that my quarters were suitable for a lady of my rank. He even gave me a gorgeous white fox lined cape, with a small fur purse to match, my mouth watered at the sight of the fur purse let me tell you, it was set into a real gold frame, ohhh, it was to die for! However, hard as it was I returned them by way of the adorable, black haired servant, who wore only his little yellow boarded cloak; when it was intimated that Philotas would like, well, never mind you don't need to know what he'd have liked. It's no one's business but mine. Yes, I could see one would have to watch Philotas, carefully, very carefully.

Anyway, as I squirmed on the ground under Alexander, _again_, I finally managed to get my hand into the little sack was wiggling in my pocket. I breathed a sigh of relief, praised and thanked Horus for his protection and carefully, as I could with this lion-man pawing me brought forth my little friend. It skittered just a bit down my unmoving arm as it advanced merrily toward the classic beauty of Alexander' face. They were almost eye to eye. Needless to say Alexander froze, and I was able to catch my breath and began to chant in Egyptian, a tongue he recognized and I could see it was having some effect on him, a very positive one, at least for us. He looked positively white.

I raised my hands to the sky and cried out,

"Blessed is Nut for she gives birth to the day which gives birth to the swamps

And the effluence by which all beings come forth.

Blessed is Set for he dismembered Osiris and caused Isis to seek out

Her most beloved and make him whole again, thus giving way to Anubis

And Herat, who weighs our hearts with the lightness of her being,

Woe to those who suffer her disappointment.

Blessed is Set for he battled for many days and nights to kill Horus but RA,

all seeing RA,

Took pity on his sons and set Horus above them into the sky.

The Eye of Horus sees all.

Blessed is Horus who rules and his cry is mighty and let me tell you _Macedonian boy, you're in big trouble now_!"

"Yes, that's it, Alex baby back up nice and slow, there you go an inch at a time on your knees. Oh, look, what a shame, the mess you've made of your nice shiny greaves. I'll bet some poor page will be up all night polishing them for you and maybe polishing something else too. Rumor has it you've got a long sword. But, I guess Hephaistion would be the one to ask about that, he'd know best, wouldn't he? Oh, don't forget the little scorpion here on my hand. She's just waiting. She's twitchy, you know. Oh, come now, Alexander you know how nervous scorpions can be, don't you?"

Clearly Alexander can't understand a word I'm saying but Xena, Jordan, and Cassandra can and are close to erupting into loud cascades of cackles. At the mention of Alexander's "ummm" sword we all burst out laughing. Jordan and Cassandra muttered something, clearly in enough Greek that Hephaistion got an earful and turned beet red. His big eyes got bigger and he glanced over at Alexander who was still on his knees backing away ever so slowly. For a second their eyes met and they both just turned so pink I could have used the excess color to paint a rose. You know, if I didn't know better I'd say these boys are shy around the fairer sex or definitely not used to the fairer sex or at least our version of the fairer sex. No, we aren't nice little Greek or Macedonian maidens who are pleased to be locked up in the women's quarters while the men have all the fun. Hmm, maybe we can talk them into letting join them at a symposium.

Clearly Alexander couldn't understand our polyglot of English, but the tone and laugher seemed to be getting through. He narrowed his eyes at me, made a gesture toward the scorpion and rose majestically; I really must say this guy really does know how to play the scene for all its worth and held out a hand. I thought for half a second and then took it. He was as sweet as pie – ummm, this made me nervous. I think that stunning smile must be a warning sign. It's just too adorable and childlike; no one is that forgiving that quickly. He must be planning some horrible fate for us. He gestured for Cassandra, Ptolemy and Hephaistion who had bound Xena's hands behind her and was dragging her along. Jordan was rather uselessly but willfully trying to keep Hephaistion from inflicting too much torment on Xena. Alexander had turned on his heel and headed for his tent. So looks like we're gonna have some kind of powwow. Ok, at least Cassandra can speak for us. And that fact that Ptolemy really likes her doesn't hurt. I need to have a word with her, fast.

We are all invited into the tent, I'd like to tell you what I saw, but Alexander immediately put a stop to my wandering by slamming his fist down on the table top and tossed his dagger so that it landed point down right before Xena. She didn't scream, I'll give her that, but she turned snow white, and back away.

"I think we've got a problem, Lexy," Cassandra hissed in my ear. "He's really, really angry, the rule in camp is no one rides Boukephalas but Alexander or Hephaistion. Anyone else who tries is convicted of a crime against the king and executed."

I frowned thinking fast, and glanced at Xena, who thankfully hadn't heard what Cassandra had said. I turned on my brightest, sweetest smile and wondered who among the four of us, well, no leave Xena out she's not really in the best position to do anything right now, would be right to seduce Alexander? Clearly, some heavy ammunition was called for here. I turned to Jordan, she's fiery, he really seemed to like her, but I didn't sense anything physical there. It was so clear who she wanted to seduce. That was another worry. What do we do when Alexander realizes she's trying to make fast time with his pretty boy? Oh, great!

The truth is we need a guy, a really hot – was Bagoas around somewhere? Come to think of it I haven't seen the slightest sign of the little Persian wild cat. Damn! Cassandra was good with a sword and spoke Greek that was a good sign they could talk afterward that's always useful. I'd also noticed he'd been playing with her long, dark curling tresses when he'd wandered over to talk with Ptolemy and they had clearly been bantering back and forth. I began studying Cassandra more. Yes, maybe, it just might work. Then, we have to keep Hephaistion busy. I smiled easily; Jordan could do that, no problem. How hard would that be seducing Alexander's beautiful lover…how hard indeed?

In the meantime I would work on a way to free Xena, while various parties were being preoccupied, and somehow spirit her out of camp. Either that or she could damn well turn on a little Transylvanian charm and give Alexander and well, maybe even Hephaistion a piece of her mind for their treatment of her. Which way would this go?

Didn't the ancient Greeks believe in vampires? They didn't call them that, of course. I wondered could Xena suddenly grow the long fangs that vampires are famed for? Or is that whole vampire thing a myth? I learned across the table and whispered, "Smile, Xena, a nice big toothy, Transylvanian smile." She clearly caught on and grinned at me suddenly. I could see something was going on behind her eyes.

I turned to Alexander who turned to me we both smiled at one another. I don't either of us trusted the other one bit. Oh, damn, the little bugger he's got the gun.

To be continued…


	8. Chapter 8

_**The Perils of Time Travel, Part 8**_

This next chapter will be narrated by Hephaistion, Lexy is out of action for a while, she got hit in the head and can't think or speak clearly, and Hephaistion needs to vent about a few things.

*Gynis – a womanish man

**WARNING: Yes, I know I've said it several times already, but to remind readers this is a farce, a shambles, a joke, a spoof, and yes, it's weird.**

* * *

"Women! I have no need for such creatures." I muttered just loud enough for my _friend_, who will not have my presence in his bed tonight night if he did not curb his enthusiasm for the long curls of the witch woman's hair, to hear. Witch women, harpies, drunken, shrewish bacchantes, I am surrounded by them. If they are not appearing as though from nowhere to ruin my day, they send letters to me full of irritating comments and suggestions. Do not write to me Olympias, (Harpy of the Century) mother of Alexander, my Beloved since the age of fifteen and tell me what he needs. I am a man and I know better than you what makes him happy. Staying as far away from you as possible is what makes him happy, well, that, victorious conquest, and being loved by his men and everyone else he meets.

Zeus Thunderer, save me from these women who have come into our camp. Until they came, we were happy men, minding our own business going about our typical activities getting ready for the next battle, that sort of thing. Apollo save me! They keep staring at me. Why? Do I have shit on me somewhere I cannot see? I think one of them tried to look up my chiton. Who does that? It is enough to give any man performance anxiety.

Women, you can't ever really conquer them, and can't keep the men in the lower ranks happy without them! Thank the gods they come in handy as war prizes and we can give them to those idiots Ptolemy and Philotas and keep the good stuff for ourselves. I've got my eye out for a Persian eunuch. Alexander's birthday is coming up. I want to get him something he has never had before. I heard Darius had a couple very nice ones. There are Persian nobles coming into camp every day now, surrendering, and willing to do anything to save their skins, estates and horses. Hopefully, one will have what I am looking for. I will even consider a trade. I have a string of beautiful snow white Nissans set aside for the right deal.

Thank the gods Alexander has not taken a wife. When that day comes, I leave! I will request some duty far away. I will, well, I will think of something to save him. Clearly, he would be in the most desperate of situations to even contemplate such a thing. As for me he knows my feelings on the subject and will not even venture to discuss it.

So far there have been a few close calls, but nothing serious. Darius keeps pushing his daughter at him as a lure, but he will not fall for _that_ jail bait. For about two minutes after Issos, I was worried about the mother; she was a messy divorce just waiting to happen. Gorgeous, I will grant you, and fertile, but was she worth it in the end? I shake my head recalling that whole debacle, Alexander sobbing his eyes out, bringing the entire campaign to a stop just to bury her and the… just to bury her with appropriate honors, then the hush-hush camping I had to arrange so that Darius would not find out. Gods! I need a drink just thinking about it! It was all Sissygambias' fault. That old vulture, but she does play a mean game of daggers, I will give her that.

Alexander and his obsession with older women, when will he learn? To keep that asshole Parmenion quiet, he took Barsine, who was a minor irritation to bed. I knew her and was able to help him get rid of her quickly. "She will come to your bed easily." I reminded him while trying to convince him it was not really a good idea, just yet, to execute Parmenion. We still needed him. "She has always had a soft spot for you. Just keep your expression somewhat hopeless, convince her you were wounded by the cruelty of your mother, and your father's sexual overindulgence. You wish to eschew the ways of the Beloved and only she can help you with this, but take care she has already put two husbands in the ground! Then once she is pregnant," I counseled him. "You will have reason to send her somewhere far away where we will not have to lay eyes on her for several years." This went quite well and we were very happy…until today. Gods above why do you do this to me? It is bad enough I have to wipe every second, third and fourth infantryman off his catwalk where they are all waiting, panting like dogs in heat for a glimpse of him or more. And, yes some get more! Alexander is always very generous with his favors. Grrrrrr, sometimes too generous!

I have grown irritated with him of late well, the last five hours at least. Were it not for the weapon that shoots thunder into the sky and then paralyzes things so that they appear as dead and leaves huge gaping holes in them, I would have gone to my tent and stayed there pla..ah, seeing to my many duties with the assistance of my newest aide for the afternoon and left Alexander to sulk.

"Hephaistion?" He looks up at me. His blue eyes beseeching, gods, does he have to do that when there are other's about? Has he no pride? I suppose not. It is true, I drive him to distraction. It is rather nice…I enjoy it. It was well worth it earlier this morning.

"Where are you going?" I turn and look at him, meeting those questioning eyes, I smile and let my gaze flow about the room making sure he follows it to the various she-dev…, women who are _his_ guests. Ah, yes, it can be tough to be Alexander. This is one time I am glad _I_ am not Alexander, too. I would rather be swimming the Styx right now than entertain these…

"I have duties I must see to." This is not completely true but if I stay in this tent with these women another moment I am going to barf.

"Not now, stay a while. I need your assistance – we have guests." I stare at him pointedly. He is caressing the curls of the other witch woman's hair and asking her how she feels, the one that talks too much. Earlier I "accidently" hit her in the head and she fell over a campstool. Philotas, that bastard helped her to her tent. I was going to just lay a carpet over her and let her rest. It was quiet for a while. How pleasant. Her eyes are no longer crossed I think she will be all right.

"Can I send Philotas to assist you? I am sure he is just waiting for a chance to kiss a.., let me get him for you. He is such a good conversationalist and so enjoys the company of your guests." He frowns and glances toward Ptolemy's newest conquest the one with the funny smell herb she smokes. I wonder what was in that? She seems to eat a lot and laughs at everything Alexander says. He is not _that_ funny. That's enough, I have had it. I will not stay cooped up in a tent with this many female creatures making pleasant chitchat. I just cannot do it. It, it, irks me! Besides where was he when he forced me to have to…ugh, I hate scorpions! They just…disturb me! Little crawly, scrabbling things! Ggggrrr!

"Did you just growl, Hephaistion? Is something bothering you? You can tell me." Alexander looks up and I snarl in his direction as I leave. As I walk from his tent, leaving him looking bewildered, which pleased me very much I run into the new warrior, Yyrd…Ydrin, _Haides!_ What tribe is he from? His name is strange. He has reddish hair and his skin is very pale. He must be from Athens he is smallish and rather effeminate. However, I am quite certain he will be worthy on the field of battle. He would not serve Ares were this not so.

"Ah, come, my friend, I was just looking for someone to have a good bout with. My muscles are tight; don't you find this happens sometimes when dealing with irritations?" I wave to him with a friendly gesture. Perhaps we can have some wine afterward. Ah, I am already feeling better certainly he will understand my feelings. He has had to squire these female creatures about all day. I will go easy on him. He is rather quiet, does not speak much, but smiles a good deal as we walk to the practice yard. Hmm, he walks oddly swaying his hips from side to side, but this is all right. I do not mind so long as he gives me a good fight. I strip down to my loin cloth, and grab my shield. How odd, he is just staring at me.

"Come at me!" I shout as I whack my sword against my shield then stop. "Are you all right? Come, come at me!" I stop again, I feel rather odd the way he is staring is a bit disconcerting. Oh, well, perhaps it is an Athenian thing. I advance on him, and stop again. "Are you mad to fight in full armor? In this heat? This is not a training exercise, come on, relax, have some fun. At least take off your helmet, it's so much cooler!" He fumbles for a moment with his cuirass then decides to leave it on. I am a little puzzled by his behavior, but oh, well, it is his choice.

I go at him with a quick slash of my blade against his shield arm, but he does not respond as I expect. Rather than come at me, he jumps backward, this is most odd.

"Who is your file leader? Is this how you are taught to wield a sword? Have you been in battle yet? Come, run at me, I will stand still, I will make an easier target." I tease, I think he is shy.

"No, I..I'm just warming up, Hephaistion." He grins widely. Yes, I think he is a little shy, but probably a very friendly fellow. He keeps grinning. I come at him, why then is he backing away, again?

"Come at me, come! Hit me hard! Don't be afraid give it to me hard! I will give you the advantage since I have the benefit of greater height over you." I spread my arms wide, smile and stand there waiting for the attack. Nothing happens. I advance on him, and give his sword a good whack to see if he is jesting.

"Ah, I'm sorry Hephaistion. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I'll think of something that will help you, ah, your tight muscles, perhaps a massage?" He is certainly a friendly fellow, how kind of him to offer, that makes it easier. However, I find myself frowning I really wanted to fight. He must be still quite young, for his voice is high carried like a woman, perhaps it has not broken yet? How young can he be, even in Athens the _ephebes_ are eighteen. Finally, after some minutes of instruction I can see he has much to learn. I sheath my weapon and gesture for him to come forward. Perhaps he can wrestle. We will seek the palestra. I think to myself as we walk along, eighteen is a nice age. I recall when Alexander and I were eighteen the sex was fantastic!

Speaking of Alexander, grrhhh, yes, a good bout in the palestra is just the thing. I turn to Yrdm who is just standing staring at me with a worshipful expression on his face. I think I like this _gynis _Athenian.

"Come, Yirdn that was no so bad? 'Eh, you need more practice, you are tired, I can tell. No doubt it is the women. They will do that to a man." I smile wrapping my arm about his slender shoulders. "We will have a good bout in the palestra, then cool off with a good massage and some wine. I know just what you need to make you feel more yourself."

To be continued…


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

We continue with Hephaistion who still feels he's entitled to a little more time _and_ some special attention.

WARNING: No, you should know by now, but in case you don't - SEX!

* * *

Jrydm and I are on our way to the palestra. I am telling him about the victory won at Issos, the wonder of the Pyramids, and the great avenue of Sphinxes at Karnak in the lands of Khmet.

"Yes, Hephaistion, and I understand they revere cats as gods there." I frown and grumble I hate cats, sneaky little beasts like women! Give me a dog, they you can trust!

"Oh, I like dogs, too, Hephaistion, I love dogs." I cannot help but smile at him as we stop a moment, apparently his sandal has come undone. I didn't notice.

"How did you get this scar, Hephaitstion?" He really seems to like running his fingers over my battle scars. I have to tell him about each scar, this could take a while. He is particularly fascinated with the scar on my left thigh by my knee and then the other a little higher up. Oh, that tickles just a bit. Truly, he is a sweet youth. He seems to have a rather interesting scent it reminds me a bit of Alexander, it is a bit more on the flowery side, well, he is an Athenian. They are a bit more effete than we Macedonians. I smile at him, again, I certainly don't want him to think I'm angry and stroke his arm drawing him a little closer. Such smooth skin could he be younger than an ephebe? No, it would not be so, that has not been allowed since the 30 years war. I am not naïve to the temperament of Athens, I know most of them hate us, well they hate Alexander. Perhaps he is as Alexander was slow to grow to manhood even though he certainly sought it fast and hard. For a moment I smile thinking of those days, the summer nights at Mieza, how sweet his kisses were, how… NO! He's back in his tent fawning over those snake handling harpies, I'll not think on him right now. Perhaps later…

"So, you got to see the Nile? Wow, oh, Hephaistion, I've always wanted to see Eg, ah, Khmet." He is starry eyed this one. Yes, I can see he needs some mentoring, some polishing, but he has so much potential.

"Who is your regimental commander, Grdrmeym?" Dionysius balls! I will have to give him a nickname, his name is even worse than wrapping one's tongue about Persian. If I cannot pronounce it then truly it is a name to be forgotten. I pause, he is quite fair of face, yes, Hylas. Excellent!

"Oh, my, ah, that's ah, yeah, ah... Krateros! Yeah, it's Krateros." I frown, of all the bastards in the army Krateros? Well, I'll deal with it if I have to I'll go to Alexander. Usually I wouldn't but I like this _gynis_ Athenian, yes, hmmm, I think I could get to like him very much. He has a light touch. I am very much looking forward to getting him down in the palestra, feeling that slick oil smooth skin on skin...

"So, Gry…ah, would you mind if I gave you a nickname. We all have them, those of us Alexander's inner circle." Oh, the sweet boy! The look in his eyes, well, it certainly makes up for Alexander's nauseating behavior back in his tent.

"Oh, whatever would make you happy, Hephaistion, ah, Hylas?" I steal a quick look around and with a small laugh pull him to the side of the next tent. He's giggling. Yes, this is perfect. Just what I need, perhaps he wouldn't mind… I draw his cloak about us. I…he comes right into my arms. Oh, I like this. "Hy… " Oh, yes, he kissed me! Yes! Oh, Yes!

"Fair one, can't you take your helmet off? I want to see your face."

"Oh, don't worry about me Hephaistion, I'm just fine, but you seem a little hot. Why don't you remove the rest of your clothing? Here…"

I cannot but help smile, he may be young, but he's no novice. His hands are busy he kicks my loin cloth away with his foot as he kneels down. I blink…ah, I didn't think he would be… Gyrm! I – Gods! Zeus, Hera! Aphro… ohhhhhh! I…thin..k..I looove Athenians!

"Are you feeling better, Hephaistion?" I am sooo glad we have a cloak around us. Isn't he sweet, why he insists on holding me, letting me catch my breath. Yes, oh, yes I am feeling _so _much better.

"Hylas, my fair Hylas, won't you…"

"Oh, don't worry about me, Hephaistion, I, I would do anything for you. I just want to make you feel good." We kiss several times. I really, really do like Athenians! Perhaps a quick bath would be the thing we can talk and then get to know one another even better. I let my hand wander down along his hips. He wiggles and giggles as I caress them, and move my hand. Let's see what his thi…

"Gym, I mean Hylas, come don't pull away, come here!" Why all of a sudden…oh, perhaps he's never…how sweet, I'll be his first. I think he just needs a…

"Hephaistion!" I hear Alexander's voice call out. Apollo's balls! Talk about bad timing! "Hephaistion, where are you? I know…" Oh, gods, he's going to find us. I grab my chiton and pull it back on, quickly. I really need a cloak right now, ah…if he finds us! I look around quickly, what can I do? "Hit me, hard!" I turn to Grmdm, he steps back and stares at me. "Quick, I – "

"Oh, I couldn't do that, Hephaistion, I…"

"Please, hit…" I shake my head. Then with a loud exclaimation he glances to down at my…yeah, and then runs into the nearest tent comes back out and throws a glass of something liquid on me. Well, that did the trick, it's wine, sweet and sticky. Now I'm sticky, but I'm sure I taste good! Gryrrmydmm is licking his fingers. I grab him and kiss him hard and fast. I love the way he giggles.

"Hephaistion, oh, good there you are. I've been looking all over for you." Alexander's eyes go back and forth between Grdmn and I. He's frowning. I think he is a little jealous. Good.

"We were just going to the baths. It's rather warm and I feel sticky." Hylas giggles, I squeeze his hand which is behind my back doing the most amazing things to my…

"Hephaistion, I need you to come back to my tent, now!" Alexander lifts one eyebrow as he studies me. "You can bathe there." I am trying not to smile too much when he removes Grf.. Hylas' arm from my shoulder. "_You_ can go. " He dismisses him with a little nod of his head. "I will give Hephaistion whatever might need. Come, Hephaistion." I wave to Hylas and let Alexander lead me back to his tent. Then I stop.

"Hephaistion?"

"Are the witc..your guests still there?" Alexander sighs and shakes his head vigorously.

"No, I dismissed them. They are nice for a little but I grew tired of their chattering. Ptolemy is to entertain them in his tent. Philotas has taken over the care of Lexy. I think this best. He is more suited to women and their ways. However, I am most concerned for her. She is still having trouble remembering her name and is very quiet. I understand you found her under that pile of carpets. It is good you were there, most lucky for her."

It is truly amazing what a little _exercise_ can do for the nerves. Why, I think I could even be around that Lexy woman and smile, for about two minutes, anyway. I cannot help but smirk, but not too much. "It is most unfortunate she met with an accident. You know such things can happen this is a military encampment, and not really the appropriate place for such women."

He is shaking his head slowly. "Yes, this is true. Still, they are our guests, and we must treat them properly until they leave.

"Speaking of leaving when?" Alexander purses his lips.

"Well, I wish to learn all I can of the weapon that throws thunderbolts. I wonder if Lexy is the only one who can tell us of this?" He turns and runs his finger along my lips. "Hephaistion, will you see to this? Perhaps you can talk to Lexy without upsetting her too greatly. I know you are the best one to do this. I will leave it in your care."

I frowned and stopped. "I thought you said she was staying with Philotas?"

"Oh, yes, she is, but I would like you to find out more about the gun. I don't trust Philotas too much. Not after Khmet. Besides I am still most concerned about her health, you can discover what wrong with her." &&%$%%#! Why me! Oh, well…I sigh loudly and he rubs my back. It does feel rather nice.

"Certainly, Alexander whatever you wish." He is stroking my wrist it's rather hard to refuse him, and I am still a little, ah, excited, and no one ah, kisses quite like Alexander.

"Come, Hephaistion, I just received some of that oil we liked so much in the newest shipment from Khmet. Let me rub it all over you, I'll make you feel much better." I smile at him and pat his arm. Oh, yes you will, Alexander, you always do! I smile perhaps I'll be nice to Lexy for a while. So that bastard Krateros is Hylas' commander, well…

To be continued…


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

Well, since Hephaistion got his time to vent, guess whose next – no I'm not going to say a word, if you can't figure it out, then things are worse than I thought. Yes, he's decided to take over this story, the characters, the plot, the whole thing! *sigh* Macedonians! *sigh* Macedonians who decide to rule the world, beware of them, they'll take over your story! I think he just wanted to get his hands on…

*The POV will change in the last part of the story to Hephaistion's. Yes, I know this is not really technically correct, but like I said Alexander's the author now, blame him.

WARNING: Alexander

* * *

The extremely large, decorative tent in the middle of the Macedonian camp was busy; many of its leather walled chambers were humming with activity. However it's most private chamber was empty, the olive wood camp bed with its white fox fur coverlet and red covered cushions was neatly made up, the thick carpets on the floors were spotless. There were no people involved in the business of bathing. No clothes were strewn about anywhere that might give a clue as to where the inhabitants might be. However, if one were to look, again, closer upon that scene there is a hint. Lying in solitary splendor on the furry bedcover lies a single silvery colored bullet.

"Zeus Thunderer! Yes!" I laugh aloud in jubilation as the shattering sound of a large empty wooden cask resounds in the air. "I am a cowed-boy, Hephaistion! Just as Lexy said - look! I am gunning for you partner. You will be sorrowful now! Ha, just like Beell the Kid!" I mimic her words. Then frown a moment wondering again about the magic of her strange words, but shrug, this is much fun. I aim full of jubilation as I watch again, the small bolt fly from the thunderseptre in my hand and another wooden vessel cracks apart with a loud boom. "I love this! I will have all the army to have this gun! Ha, take that Darius! We will have a…a…" Damn! I forgot the other words she said.

"Smile Hephaistion, do not look so glum. What is the matter? No, you need not speak, I know, the women, I should have known. I fear in this I was wrong, you are right." He rubs my arm offering his sweet smile which always makes me so happy to see. I love it when Hephaistion smiles, I feel content and pleased. I know he has been greatly displeased since the women came. He even warned me he felt something inauspicious with their coming. He has brought Aristander, my seer to me who in consultation with his charts showed that the moon had been in a most unusual alignment with Saturn and Mars when the women appeared in our camp. This is most strange, according to Aristander. I have made extra offerings to Ares to appease him should he feel in any way I have dishonored him, offered extra fifty pure black bulls to Father Zeus, _he_ I must always keep happy. (You know how touchy parent's can be when you don't take their advice.)

"I am just concerned, Alexander. I have a feeling, you know." His eyes reach deeply into mine. I sigh, yes, I know about his feelings. I have learned much to my regret to heed them. When I was younger, before I became _Basileus_ and heeded too much my Mother's word, I got into a great trouble listening to her and those of other friends and mentors, Ptolemy, Leonnatus, Nearkhos and others. This caused many of my friends to be exiled, only Hephaistion my father did not exile, however, he did threaten his life and cruelly treated my messenger, and dear friend, the actor Thettalos, to the court of Pixadoros. Since that time I have learned to heed him carefully, for when this man speaks I am wise enough to listen.

"Speak; you know I will heed your word." He purses his mouth, this is distracting. I wish he would not do this just now. It is… "Hephaistion, come, perhaps you need to rest a bit." I study him his color has been rather high, ever since I found him in the company of the woman's guard, Ydr… I cannot pronounce that strange name. He must be Athenian, Hephaistion says he is. I study him carefully. He thinks I do not know what he was doing around the corner of that tent, but I do. _He,he,he._ I do not mind that he gets a little pleasure now and then on the side. I do. He has a lively sword and it needs much polishing. Hmmmm, perhaps that is what he needs right now, an extra sword drill. I certainly would not mind...hmm, but I do like playing with gun. I love gun! I have my engineers studying gun, when I am not using it. We have decided if it is possible gun will replace _sarissa's_. Gun can give many advantages that _sarissa's_ – great weapon that they are cannot give us. What need will my phalanxes have with _sarissa's_ if they all have gun? Well, of course we will still need the front lines to give - Can you imagine all the Horse with gun? Oh, I am alive with joy at the thought! Still, there are some concerns I have with gun. These I will not think on now, Hephaistion and I have discussed them.

"Alexander, why are you pacing like that? What is going through your mind? Alexander?" Uh, oh, I may be in trouble, Hephaistion is eyeing me strangely. I think perhaps I should…

"Alexander what have you done?"

"Nothing."

"Give me gun."

"Nooo, it is mine!" Oh no, I hate it when he does this, he is just too smart for my own good!

"Alexander now give me gun, come, give it to me." He smiles too sweetly and advances toward me. His eyes are sparkling, that is a good and bad sign…hmmm.

"No, Hephaistion, now is not the time for Eros' play. I…Hephaistion! Stop, that tickles!" Oh, I am like honey in his hands, and he knows this. Oh, I do like the things he can do with his hands. He is expert! "Hephaistion! How? Ohhh, you are most cruel!" He has tricked me just to get his hands on gun. Well, I cannot blame him. I smile – we kiss a little. Ptolemy who is on guard rolls his eyes at us. He does this often.

"It does not fire?" We both study it carefully. It no longer makes noise like thunder. What is wrong? We study it closely.

"The little bolts they are gone."

"Oh…" I frown I know we need more, but I cannot hurry the engineers any faster than they are already working. He turns and begins to run. "Hephaistion, where?"

"I saw one on your bed. I will return quickly. The engineers must study the bolts quickly; we need them to make gun throw thunder." I wave him off. I eye Ptolemy is who grinning nastily at me. I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs and tells me to save that for Hephaistion. Sometimes I do not like Ptolemy, but mostly I love him. Gods! No, not that way!

It is pleasantly cool in Alexander's tent. I sigh and wish he had come back with me. We could have a little private time right now. It is a very lazy afternoon, and now that he has gotten away from those harpies I am feeling quite brotherly. Well, perhaps not _brotherly_, no I suppose that is not quite the way to express…. Ptolemy may be his bastard half-brother, but neither of them would ever think to be this brotherly. Ha! I know Alexander would like what I have in mind. Bathing together earlier was quite an enjoyment. It is hot, I recall he was sweating, I think he needs to bathe, again. _He, he, he._ He knows, I know he knew I was fooling around with G – Hylas. Perhaps the three of us could have a pleasant evening. Yes, I will bring this up. Alexander is most considerate of younger warriors. I know he will like Hylas. Just wait until he sees…ah, not perhaps that's not exactly what I mean to say, ah, feels what Hylas' can do with his hands. He will love him. I'll get him away from that bastard Krateros, yet! Ha! I smile at the pages and tell them what I am looking for. Yes, there – I see the small bolt lying on the white fur. I pick it up studying it…hmmm, we must find -

"Hephaistion?" I turn, my eyes play me false! This cannot be, no! Zeus save us! What? NO! How did _she _get here?

To be continued…


	11. Chapter 11

Part Eleven

A surprise visitor has turned up. Hephaistion is still in charge.

WARNING: Forget it…shakes head in disgust...I can't even keep them on a decent writing schedule. Macedonians!

* * *

The scent of jasmine floats in the air as the apparition comes out of the shadows toward me. Standing in the center of the rug, she pulls back the hood of her dark blue cloak. The very air in about me has changed, it is full of…Olympias! Pan's bent prick! Alexander's mother - here? No! This is worse than Lexy in fact I'd rather deal with Lexy. Gods above forgive me for every cruel thing I thought about that cre..., Lexy; forgive me for trying to drop the bronze catapult bolt on her foot, and then accidentally throwing the spearhead at her head where it did resound with a nic... No, no, I'm turning over a new leaf right now. Forgive me, Athena, I beg your divine forgiveness for putting that snake in Lexy's bed, which I guess she hasn't found yet otherwise there'd probably be a lot of screaming. Forgive me for, ah...no she won't find that now if she's staying with Philotas under his care. Damn! No, no, I mean, oh, how sorry I am I did those things! It was very wrong of me! Please, please Apollo, take mercy on us, let this be a...a, oh, _Haides_!

Quickly I recover from my surprise this is one person you do not want to show any weakness before. "My Lady, what a pleasure it is to see you. We were not…"

"Shove it, Hephaistion, I know you'd rather swim the Styx than have me around, but guess what I'm here now. I just wanted to see how my little boy is doing." Her smile is full of an indefinable glee. Oh, gods, I think we're in trouble now! Your "little boy" will wish he was about five thousand stadia away from here when he discovers you have arrived, my Lady! I want to yell at her, but of course, I'm too well brought up to something so rude. Alexander will be surprised, believe me, I know he will be surprised. He'll be so surprised, gods! I'd better hide gun otherwise the Furies might just find a new victim to torment, but then again, maybe they'd take mercy on him, after all this is Mommy Dearest. I know they'll understand everyone else does. "You're looking a little tired, Hephaistion. You seem to be limping a little. Hmmm, you must be very busy with your usual nocturnal activities, are you getting enough sleep?"

"I am fine, my Lady, thank you for your concern." She frowns at me. I grin back. I am not going there Harpy of the Century so save your breath.

"I understand you have been entertaining some interesting guests?" I study the bi...Olympias, smile and clench my hands into fists at my side. Gods above - why me? Why now? However, I know the Lady well, and am familiar with her ways. For all his complaints Alexander loves his mother dearly, as long as she is back in Pella. I wish I could tell her that, but she will not listen, she never has. She is not just the mother of Alexander, she is a powerful priestess and it is smart to show her the appropriate honor, to do otherwise is to court disaster. However, I am familiar with all this and know a thing or two; I will play her game, for now.

"You are acquainted with our guests? Which ones do you refer to? Ever since his victory at Gaugamela we have been quite overwhelmed with Persians coming in to offer their fealty to him."

"Hephaistion, Hephaistion, Hephaistion, poor dear boy. I'm not here to play games."

"Games? I don't play games, my Lady; it is simply as I said. We are in the midst of campaign; surely you know all this from his letters to you. We left Babylonia but a week ago and now head toward Susa." I gesture toward the tent's outer rooms. "Wouldn't you like to go somewhere else?" Like Tarterus? I mutter under my breath.

"No, I'm fine. Oh, yes, my darling boy was victorious as I knew he would be! My son is like no other who has ever walked upon this earth. He is a god, his name will be sung from one end of the earth to the next. His memory will live forever! He will be greater than any of the gods! You, Hephaistion, are fortunate to be at his side. You have protected him well, but I'm here now. Mommy knows what's best for her little boy." Her eyes are a little strange looking they have an odd glint in them. Why didn't I ever notice that before? Very well if that's the way she wants it...

"I doubt that." I mutter again, under my breath and hold out my hand toward her. I must maintain my efforts to be polite. I can do this even though my teeth do seem to hurt when I grit them like this. "Come, I will see you to your accommodations, as you are no doubt tired from your long journey." And I want to make sure you are well rested for you fast exit, tomorrow.

A truly disturbing smile rises on her face; I keep my grin plastered in place and shift my weight a little to one foot. "I'll be staying here, right here." She looks around, as she sits on the edge of his bed, her long white fingers play with the fur spread. Her hair, which is usually a glowing auburn crown of braids upon her head is down and flows about her shoulders in silky curls. Her robe is a beautiful blue-green, the same as a peacock's iridescent feathers, a favorite color of Alexander's. She has dressed for him, she knows him so well, how to get his attention in a hundred different ways. She is still very lovely, very much a Queen and every inch his Mother. He will not be pleased. I'm really not pleased, the army, gods! The men will rebel! I have to do something! Gods, I don't want to tell him she's arrived, he'll try and strangle me. I need Lexy for this! For a moment I indulge myself in a little fantasy, I am standing before Alexander who is literally shooting steam out of his ears, Lexy is accidentally pushed before me, his hands grasp her throat, she...

"WHAT?"

"Hephaistion, you really must have been up all night doing all sorts of things, and obviously are so distracted you didn't hear me, but I said I'm staying right here, yes, here, in Alexander's tent, in fact, I understand I can have a little bed brought in here. Yes, I think he needs his mommy right now."

Is the rooming spinning or am I just imaging it? I hear voices they're telling me to take my dagger, no, no! Down, down hand I won't listen to you! Find, find, I must find Alexander before this she-d...before his mother does. Gods! Are we paying for something we did when we were younger? Was it when we used the honey-flavored body paint in bed that time when we were still staying at the palace? I understand Olympias was pretty upset about that. Those linens were ruined, and I know she'd just finished embroidering them, and I understand the slaves had a _Haides _of a time getting the purple honey body paint out of the carpeting, but it wasn't really my idea to do it on the carpet that way, but well, we were young, and Alexander loves honey and we were just experimenting a little. You know how it is?

I find myself running very fast. This is serious! Why this might endanger everything we've worked for.

"Alexander, oh, Gods, Alexander we need to talk! I think we may have a problem." Zeus bless him, look at him standing here, he looks so happy, so content...let me just remember him this way with the smile on his face, his golden curls tossed by the wind, his blue eyes shining with joy, with gun in his hand. What...

"Hephaistion why are you pulling away?" He pulls back when he realizes I'm not responding to his kisses and ah, hands. He smiles and then pokes me playfully. "Oh, you want to play Zeus and Ganymede, again? That was fun, wasn't it? Come, we will go over there, behind those trees. He kisses my ear giggling. Ptolemy rolls his eyes at us, again. Yes, I know he does this. He should hear what we say about him and Thais, ha! They get up to things we would never do.

"Gods, NOOOO! WHAT THE – MOTHER!" Alexander's voice echoes around the area louder than gun. Her voice wafts toward us like a cruel wind then she comes into view. She's waving and Lexy is with her. They are holding hands. Oh, Gods, this is worse than I thought. His eyes are wild, like a stallion's. I can see the change in him his entire body has gone stiff. I must save him! I look down, clutched in my hand is our answer. YES! This little bit of metal it is our savior. Oh, yes, yes, yes!

"Hephaistion, please!" He looks at me then at gun clutched tightly in his hand and at the little bolt. Our eyes meet again. He moans most pitifully, it is terrible to hear. He holds out gun. I take it. His blue eyes are pleading, beseeching. Ptolemy and I look at one another, we move forward quickly. I have gun in one hand a spear in the other, Ptolemy has a spear in each hand. The sun is high above us, the wind blows, somewhere in the distance an eagle cries wildly, a dog runs past us down the road, the sweat rolls down our faces my fingers play along gun's barrel.

"Run Alexander, we'll hold them off."

To be continued...


	12. Chapter 12

The Perils of Time Travel, Part 12

Alexander is taking over this chapter. He's a little upset about his unexpected visitor.

WARNING: Anyone's guess, Olympias has arrived…what do you think might happen?

***Sorry this has taken so long to update. I was ill for a while, but am back now.

* * *

Twelve

Ptolemy's voice rings in my ear. It's as frantic as my own heartbeat, which is pounding like I've just run twenty miles. My Mother's perfume wafts toward me, the jasmine usually a scent I enjoy winds about me like a vine. Its tiny tendrils of fragrance reach out as though to choke me as she comes closer. I wonder if this is how Herakles felt whenever Hera came close. Did he have the strong, life affirming desire to run?

The ground, the air, Hephaistion, and Ptolemy's voices - everything seems to be swirling about me. What's happening? The wind has begun to howl. An eagle shrieks and I look up to where it sails through a storm-clouded sky. When did this happen? Just a few moments ago, the day was warm and sunny. Now all is changed. What gods have I so offended that they treat me thus? I look at Hephaistion he is so brave, standing there his hair tossed about his beautiful face, Gun in one hand and a spear in the other. Ptolemy stands beside him. Is this our last hour?

Oh, gods she's coming closer. I simply do not believe this. Mother is here! Am I gone mad? I must have, but then so have Hephaistion and Ptolemy or she's really here. How can this be? Is it some sort of mass hysteria? Maybe due to all those mushrooms we ate last night? I know we were only supposed to eat a few, but I thought what could a few more hurt. I study Ptolemy closely, he looks all right, I think. He ate more than me and Hephaistion. At least the silly grin on his face has faded. That was so weird. We were all smiling; even Philotas and then Marsayas reached out and pulled Leonn…

"Alexander darling, do you have a kiss for Mommy?" I shake myself like Peritas does when he just wakes up from a bad dream. Gun glints temptingly at me from where it is rests in Hephaistion's hand. Hephaistion and Ptolemy are all that stand between me and my Mother's – ah open arms. Oh, how I love them, honor them. Of course, they are brave, they are the best of soldiers, but for this, I will crown them with golden olive wreaths, ah, that is if we all live long enough. It is my duty as their General and King to save them from unfair torment. I square my shoulders and turn. I can do this. I hold out my hand and clench my Mother's in it. I smile when she frowns. I just want to let her see the strength of my happy greeting.

"Mother, what do you here? Why are you here? When did you arrive here? Why did you not let me know you were coming - _here_? I would have had things prepared for you." Yes, about a hundred miles away from here I think to myself, but smile lovingly letting her know how happy I am to see her. I am after all her son, I can play the game as well as she. She's still frowning. Oh gods! I swear by Zeus there are times I think she can read my mind. I catch Hephaistion's eye, I can see by the look in it the arrival _he_ would have prepared for her. It may happen yet. I'll pardon him if it happens. He can plead temporary insanity before the Assembly. I'll get him a good lawyer, the best. Even that jerk Demosthenes, if I have to. Anything for him. Most of the men have met my Mother, they'll understand. This _is_ intolerable. I had to travel as far from Macedonia as I could to be free of her and now…this? No, by the gods, I will not have it. We will….we will go on campaign! Yes, by Zeus' beard! Ah, ha, she cannot follow me there. I will tell Hephaistion of my plan later, when we are alone in my chamber. Oh, wait. I forgot where I was. Yes, okay, I've got it right now. I'm twenty-five, King and Hegemon of the Hellenes, and oh, yeah, also well, I'm just going to go right ahead and say it, it's almost true at this point…I mean, Darius did lose. I mean…

"Alexander I'm waiting." I blink slightly startled. Is she still here? Okay, I guess it's real. Damn! I guess I'd better play the good son happy to see his beloved mother. Grrrrrrr.

"Mother, it is most wonderful this little surprise you have sprung upon me." She returns my kiss and hug so sweetly you would think I invited her here. Why is Lexy with her? Lexy should be resting. I study her closely her eyes are not so crossed anymore. Hephaistion is glaring at her, why? Hmmm, I still wonder about her accident. I know Phai would never – I'm sure he just lost his grip on that...did he say it was a horseshoe?

I wonder…if he, if Mother, if I were to just suggest the idea gently. She could just have an accident. No, no! Did I think that about my dear Mother?

"Darling, I'm here to join your campaign. Now don't fret about me. I won't be any trouble. You know me I'm always here to lend a hand. Perhaps we could discuss what your next move is? I was thinking you know I've heard about that lovely palace of…where is it now? Not Susa, the other one, let me think. I think it's beyond Susa; I'll just look at the map I brought with me. Anyway, as I said I was thinking a new capital. I'm sure you want to move your capital from that horrible Babylonia to some place more exciting. Now it's just an idea, but I was thinking how nice it would be, a great place for you to raise a family. And, I can see you've met dear Lexy here. Why I had the most wonderful idea! You'll never guess -" I can't hear her anymore. There's just a sort of rushing sound in my ears. She's already sent one of my pages, _my pages _toward that enormous pile of baggage, are…is that all her's - five baggage carts? Five baggage carts?! I gulp and look at Ptolemy, Hephaistion. Ptolemy's eyes are almost popping out of his head and Hephaistion looks like he's about to pass out.

To be continued….


	13. Chapter 13

The Perils of Time Travel, 13

Alexander still has control of the writing.

Remember, in case you've forgotten there is a complete lack of reverence for every institution known to man in this story.

Warning: Some references to M/M sex – nothing explicit.

* * *

Thirteen

"Zeus Thunderer have mercy! " I murmur to myself as I watch with half an eye my Mother's quick actions. I have a terrible feeling she's moving in. She's waylaid some of my guard and is pointing to several large brass bound clothing chests. I think I'm going to pass out. She brought all those? Is that a lamp, and that rug – that was in her bedroom last time I saw it. I get a fearful throbbing in my temples as I watch her give orders to my pages. My pages! "Ah, Mother how long are you planning on staying? It's not that I want to rush you, but we are in the middle of campaign here. Lots of hard riding, fighting, plenty of blood, killing that sort of thing ahead of us. I won't have much time to spend with you. A military camp is pretty crude you know. There's very little privacy – not much water for bathing, lttle fresh food. It's not a great place for ah…women."

"Nonsense! It sounds just like Pella when your Father was alive. I'll manage just fine. I just need a few things. Now let me see, ah, yes, a good strong horse and a couple of those pretty little pages of yours and about fifty slaves, of course. I do have my needs, you know Alex Sweetie. Oh, let me see I something else, now what was it?"

"You need to go back to Tarterus where you came from." I stifle a chuckle at Hephaistion's muttered words and hold my breath that Mother didn't hear him.

Ptolemy pipes up moving quickly. He stations himself between Hephaistion and I and Medea's clone. "You really ought to go back to Pella, my Lady. Ah, you might be kidnapped my lady. We are in rough territory and a beautiful lady such as yourself, not even Alexander can keep you safe." My Mother's response is to pat him on the head. He hates that.

"Oh, don't worry about me you dear boy and Alex Sweetie. I won't be any trouble." She she heads off in the direction of my tent.

"Yeah, right, I'm sure that's what the Trojans said about Odysseus' horse, too." Hephaistion mutters under his breath.

"Alexander, ah, did you two put _everything_ away?" I frown, perplexed at Ptolemy's question, and then flinch when Hephaistion swears.

"Put everything away? What do you mean?"

"From, your afternoon visit to the stables?"

"Visit to - Oh, shit!" Hephaistion and I look at one another. Hmmm, he's a funny shade of blue, no, I think it's more like blue-green, well, maybe more grayish. I've got to….

"Grab him Ptolemy, he's…" Yep, sure enough Hephaistion plunges forward. Then to my surprise, he whispers in my ear. "The chocolate sauce-it's still on the bedside table."

"It is? I thought you put -"

"Shit!"

We run.

"She's gaining run faster," Hephaistion's voice urges me on as I see my Mother heading toward the dirt lane that leads to my tent. I put some speed in it and am there even before the guards. We dash together through the tent, knocking down Parmenion on the way. He won't mind, I'll just make sure…. There, see he got back up.

"Where? Hephaistion?" Frantic I tear the bed sheets, over turn pillows. Hephaistion has thrown open a clothes chest and is tossing garments and bedding out right and left.

"Last I saw it you were licking it off my –"

"Oh, it is tasty isn't it?" We both turn; Hephaistion has now turned white as new snow. My Mother is standing in the doorway to my chamber holding the small pot of chocolate sauce Gydrem showed Hephaistion how to make. "It's just delicious. I tried it on some apples and those little honey cakes _you _like so much, Hephaistion. There was a plate of them in here along with some other, oh, most interesting things." She smiles sweetly at me and turns to Hephaistion, I grab his arm to keep it away from his dagger. "I hope you don't mind, Alex Sweetie, but I was just famished when I arrived and ate them. " She begins to lick her fingers. Hephaistion and I eye one another.

"Oh, you lazy boys! You forgot to make the bed after your little nap." She's thrown back the covers and is –" Gulp. "This must be yours Amyntoros." The tone of her voice has dropped about forty degrees and she holds up the black velvet scarf Lexy gave me. We left it lying in the bed? Gulp. Hephaistion tightens his hand on his dagger. I gulp again. It's time, I know it. Hephaistion and I exchange looks I think for a moment and then seize on our savior.

"Mother, come with me, there's the most beautiful new horse in the stables. I want you to see it." I drag her out by the arm. Anything to get her away from Hephaistion. I don't like the way they are eyeing one another. "I think it would be the perfect mount for you." She smiles at me sweetly, and pats my cheek.

"Oh, you mean like Hephaistion is for you. Speaking of which, Hephaistion you come with me. We are going to have a nice litte heart to heart – it's long overdue. No, now Alex Sweetie you just stay here and do what you do best. Go kill some Northern tribesmen or something." Her face is perfectly controlled, no malice dancing in those blue eyes of hers, but her mouth is quirked up a bit to the right. I roll my eyes, I should have known. I should have. Nothing is ever what it seems with her.

"Oh, Hephaistion you'll never guess who I saw just as I was leaving Pella. Your Mother, yes. Now, now Hephaistion, no swearing. It isn't at all appropriate." I watch shocked as she takes his arm, tucks it under hers and walks away with him. He goes head down his lower lip jutting out, his blue eyes mutinous. What if one of them kills the other? What if they kill each other? What if – oh Haides what does Lexy want – not right now!

To be continued….


	14. Chapter 14

The Perils of Time Travel, 14

Lexy is back to take up the narrative. She's recovered from her head wound "accidentally" administered to her by Hephaistion. She's sure he really didn't mean it. Now she wants to help him out of his dilemia with Olympias.

Warning: None

* * *

Fourteen

"Come, lady, its best we leave this area and quickly." I frown at Ptolemy. What's got him so spooked? Everyone's acting like a hurricane is coming or something. I'm not sure, but I feel like Hephaistion needs me. Something about Olympias makes me nervous. She's acting so differently than she was when we all met in Pella. I mean, she was nice and all, but like I'm sort of not sure about her at all now. She never told me she was Alexander's mother.

"Duh Lexy!" I scold myself for being so dumb and draw an odd glance from Ptolemy. "Of course, like I'm really sure she's going to tell you she's Alexander's mother. Like you would have believed her then? Well, I do now. Besides, he looks like her, only his hair is slightly different in coloring. Only thing is I can't see Alexander ever being as devious as his mom. I don't know, but there's something about him, that in spite of his being a solider and all, he just isn't someone who seems really into lying or even comfortable with it. Now Hephaistion, he's different, I can see him doing that easy. I'll bet he's really bad when he's sleeping with someone. He probably tells them he loves them and then goes and hops into someone else's bed. I know I would have a hard time saying no to him. Not that I'd ever have a chance with him. First there's Alexander and then Jordan. I wonder if Hephaistion has figured out yet Jordan's a woman? Oh, he's just so gorgeous! Both he and Alexander – hmmm, I wonder if it would be easy to, ah, seduce Alexander? He's so cute and boyish. No, on second thought, I remember how mean he was dragging me down into the dirt and wrestling with me. On second thought I don't think I like him at all. I…

A little giggle escapes me and Ptolemy grins at me and leans over to whisper in my ear. He's put his arm around my shoulder. Ohhh, he's got nice strong arms and he smells nice, too. Like Philotas, they must wear the same scent. Hmmm, I sniff the air deeply – Patchouli. I love Patchouli. Ptolemy's so nice, and dear, sweet Philotas I really like him! It's just so hard for me to believe any of those nasty things that have been written about him. Maybe I should have a talk with him. Yes, I'll do it! He's the perfect gentleman and so..well, let's just say he's very good at kissing. Just take it from me, he knows how to make a lady feel loved. Maybe that's what's wrong with Alexander's mother. She never felt wanted, I mean not even Alexander wants her around. I thought I knew her, too. I thought I knew Olympias, but she's nothing like she was when I met her. Why is she wearing such odd clothing? She's dressed the way the other ladies are, but she's one of us, I mean from our time. I never saw her dress like she is now, well, okay I take that back. Come to think of it she did on Halloween. She was dressed in black robes. She sort of reminded me of a witch, not a fake one, but the real thing!

I study my escort. He's not bad looking, but not anywhere near as handsome as Philotas, who is really good looking. I have to tell him, he'll tell Alexander they all deserve to know what I've done. I tap him on the shoulder. "Uh, Ptolemy I think this all my fault! Poor Hephaistion, poor Alexander! If only I'd known who that lady, that nice lady was, I mean I thought she was nice when I met her. We were just having some wine together, she bought a bottle for us and she was so kind helping us get to Mieza. She really did know a lot about Alexander. Hmmm, I guess I get that now, I mean why she knows, knew so much about him. Wow, if I'd known she really Alexander's mother why I'd have run in the other direction. I really have to do something. Why just look at Hephaistion, he looks like he's on his way to his execution.

"Better him than us, my Lady." Ptolemy frowns as we come to stand in front of Philotas' tent. "What do you mean if you'd known who she was? How, where did you meet the Lady Olympias?" Then I freeze, oh, shit. I'd forgotten they don't know we're from the future. I need, I can't tell him what really happened. He might kill me. I'm sure Alexander would. I have to think of something to divert his attention. I -

"Oh, no! No! I've got to help Hephaistion, I've just got to." I raise my voice as I run from Ptolemy's outstretched hand toward Hephaistion. "Don't worry Hephaistion, I'll figure something out – I'll, I'll save you!" Why is he groaning like that? He looks like he's going to be sick, poor thing!

To be continued.


End file.
